Recently, I have been praying that God would reveal Himself to me in a new way. That I might see a facet of His character that I hadn't known before. It is so like Him to meet me exactly where I am at, to show me that he is there, too, right beside me. It has been a very trying week for me with the kids. The weather has been horrible and depressing. The kids have been unusually antagonistic, whiny, and crying more than usual. Chaos seems to have taken over my home and we all have counted the minutes for Daddy to come home. A fresh face to bring some renewal and order to our day. One day this week, when I was really feeling frustrated and short-tempered, Joshua spontaneously ran to me with open arms, stretched up high. My crankiness melted away in an instant and I did what any parent would do and scooped him up into my arms and held him, hugged him and kissed him, until he was ready to get down and go back to his adventures. My thoughts keep cycling back to that instant. I didn't know why, just that I knew it was one of those moments I wanted to store up in my heart. God showed me something about that today that I want to to share, or at least get written so I don't forget it.
My struggle lately has been to feel connected to God in the middle of the craziness in my day. I have let other peripheral things take priority over Him and my attitude has suffered. I start to feel out of touch, my faith dwindles, I begin to doubt God, and lose sight of His truth, promises, and who He really is. I start to believe all kinds of silly lies that normally I wouldn't allow 2 seconds of my thought time! "Hello? Can you hear me? Do my prayers matter? Do you REALLY love me?" That's been the general undercurrent in my heart. Anyone else been there? All the while, I know it's not true in my head, but I was believing a lie in my heart. I needed God to reveal it to my heart so I could both know it in my head and believe in my heart what His love for me is like. What I began to realize is that as a parent, I love my children more than they love me. They are immature, but as they grow older, the love becomes more mutual. With babies, we are overwhelmed with love for them. One little known tribal group's word for that kind of love means "to place (the child) inside one's heart" I like that description! So there is an imbalance in the love relationship and the parent can't wait to see the child begin to realize his love for the parent. Think of what a big deal we make out of those first words, first hugs and kisses. The love is beginning to be returned to us and how it makes us love them even more! So...when we cry out to God to know Him, as a parent, would He hide Himself from us? No! If your child cried out to you, would you run away? If we turn to Him and begin to show love for Him, is that the point at which He begins to love us? NO! He loved us before creation. He sent His Son as a sacrifice for our sin on the CHANCE that we would look to Him and love Him back. His love is more than I can comprehend. I cannot control it or manipulate it by how much time I spend with Him, how I worship Him, or if I have been obedient in all things or not. His love never changes -easy to know, difficult to understand.
What He showed me was that even though I have drifted off course lately, when I lift my hands to Him in worship, approaching Him with praise and adoration, no matter how feeble my attempts are, its just like when Joshua came running to me with arms stretched up high. God the Father rushes to me when I turn to Him. He has been waiting since creation for those moments. I felt love for Joshua in that moment, but is nothing compared to the love of the one who IS love. John 3:17 says God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. How often to I feel I do not measure up, for how can I? He knew that. That's what Jesus did for us. So often I fall into the fear trap. Fear of uncertain future, fear of what others think, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and more. I forget or never really understood the concept of God as a truly loving Father, deeply aware of my life from beginning to end. Hey! That means he is acutely aware of more details than I am! I don't need to worry about the details. He knows them. I just need to trust Him with my whole life, everything.
For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry "Abba, Father" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. Romans 8:15-17
How wonderful and comforting it is to know that he understands love. I know that sounds corny, but as I understand love more and realize that of course God knows that aspect of love I am learning, just WAY better, it increases my faith and trust in Him. My prayer then becomes something simple like,"Ok, so you know what I was feeling toward Josh that day because you feel that when I turn to you? Wow, Lord. You really do love me!"
I love Jesus prayer for us (yep, you and me!) in John ch 17. The whole thing is good, but the last few verses speak of this love:
Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. (vs. 25-26)
This brings me back full circle to my original prayer...
Heavenly Father,
I want to know you more. Continue to reveal to me who you are. I want to know how deep, how wide and how high is the Father's love for me. May I be rooted and grounded in your love, that I would never grow weary of seeking after you. I need more faith and to be strengthened by your Spirit. I love you, Lord. Thank you for sending Jesus as the perfect sacrifice. Open my eyes to your truth.
In Jesus name, Amen.
