Yesterday as we were working in the yard and cleaning the barn, I had this small revelation about parenting. I say small, because it is yet unfolding. I was thinking about how spring is such hard work. The barn gets very wet as the snow melts on the hillside, so the chicken room is an awful, mucky mess. We can't clean it out until the snow is all gone and the frost is out of the ground or it just seems to get wetter. The spring thaw also reveals what the wind has blown into our yard. Garbage, sticks, toys left out, sleds that got lost in the snow. There is so much work to do and it seems like such little time to get it done before summer is here.
This is the first year that we could do spring yard/barn work with the kids and they could actually get real work done. Matthew is getting taller, stronger, and more responsible. With demonstration, instruction, and healthy doses of encouragement, he cleaned the chicken coop mostly by himself. He is now strong enough to pitch manure and unload almost like a man. Prior to this year, he would work alongside us, but when we were not with him, he would quickly wander from his task. We would get angry, rebuke, set him back at it. Not bad parenting, really. They do need to learn to work, but now I can see that he just wasn't ready for real work. Not just physically, but mentally as well.
Hannah also has matured tremendously. She is naturally attracted to young children. She has said that when she grows up, she wants to work with children. She already does. There are many chores that she cannot accomplish due to her age, size, and lack of experience. However, she is a natural with little ones. She plays games with John and Josh (our dynamic duo), sings to them, takes them for walks, feeds them snacks, and reads to them. This allows Michael and I to do the things that the younger ones can't.
I'm beginning to see family in much more depth as our kids grow older, yet we still have little ones. There are so many analogies in the Bible to gardens and appropriately so. We both love them and hate them. They are a lot of work, but in the end, there is fruit. We love the fruit part, but hate the toil, pain, struggle, and sorrow in obtaining it.
I look back at our 19+ years of "gardening" together and I get teary-eyed. When we first planted our garden (marriage), we had no idea what we wanted to grow. We just knew we wanted to garden together. We loved each other, we were attracted to one another, and being together brought mutual feelings of pleasure. We had no idea what the other wanted, liked, believed, or that the other might have a completely different idea of what our garden would look like.
I, obviously, had more wisdom in gardening, having come from a large family. Also, my extended family was all very close, so there was more collective gardening experience at my disposal. Therefore, Michael deferred to my "better" judgement most, if not all of the time. I wanted everything right away. I wanted to plant a huge garden with every kind of fruit and thought nothing of who would take care of it. As a result, I chased after a lot of dreams that were my own and not God's. I got us into a boat-load of debt, and heaped the burden of weeding this garden on the shoulders of my husband, who rather than being my partner and having authority over me, became the groundskeeper of my massive estate. I wanted a house, so we bought a house. I got sick of my job, so I quit. I wanted to go back to school, so I did. I wanted to quit school, so I did. I wanted a child, so we did foster care (Iwas unable to have children the first 7 yrs of our marriage) then adopted, then the adoption fell apart. This remains the greatest heartache of my life. I wanted to move to the country, we did. I wanted a big house, we built it. I wanted a new car, we bought it. I wanted a new anything, I got it. Self, self, self. Yuck.
It was God's divine timing that we did not have children right away. I was way too immature at the time. However, I didn't start to mature until the children came into our lives.
When I became pregnant with Matthew, we were completely surprised. We had tried for years to have a baby, including fertility drugs, with no success. Then out of the blue...morning sickness. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I had an ultrasound, then a phone call. There was no baby, no heatbeat. I was told that it was a blighted ovum and should schedule a D&C if I did not miscarry soon. I remember crying out to God the same sort of prayer as the Shunnamite woman in 2 Kings 4:8-37. "Why would you give me this pregnancy and then take this baby from me? Is this a cruel joke? Why? I don't understand! I had given up hope of a baby of my own!"
After a couple days of sorrow, fighting God over my situation, I surrendered it to Him. "I trust you. I don't understand, but I choose to love you anyway."
I remembered feeling very vulnerable, but for the first time in my faith, when the pressure was on, I turned to Him instead of away from Him. I asked if I could have another ultrasound just hoping what they saw would be different. I remembered laying there on the cart looking at the wall, completely surrendered to whatever the outcome was. Michael sat on the floor with his head in his hands when I heard the radiologist say, "here's the heartbeat..." I said, "What did you say?" He repeated himself and I couldn't believe it! I think I passed my first test. When we were picking out baby names, we knew that if it was a boy, his name would be Matthew, which means, "gift from God".
I remember our first night at home with Matthew. I held him in our bedroom looking him in the eyes and this intense emotion washed over me. It was one of unfolding of a great, eternal mystery before my eyes. I sobbed as I thought to myself, "I get it. I get it. THIS is what is ALL about. Life, giving of our lives into this one. Then thinking of all the lives that have been passed into each one of us, and where it all came from. God, the everlasting father of all creation who designed and knit this little life in my arms. I thought I understood so much in that moment, but I didn't. It was just our first, teeny harvest of two apples on weak, baby tree.
Matthew grew to a toddler and then the weeding begins. Discpline, teaching, reading, loving, enjoying, changing life to accomodate this new one. Seeing him watch me and copy me. Recognizing errors in my life and many of my flaws. Thinking how much I want him to be different than me, knowing I need to be real. Realizing I can't be fake, I need for God to change me because it never lasts apart from him.
Then Hannah came. Now I have a daughter. A beautiful girl with dimples and huge blue eyes. She never complained, rarely cried and was always content. I realized how malcontent I was. Always wanting what I didn't have. Here was this little girl that no matter where she was or what she had, or didn't have, she was happy. "Be content in all circumstances..." is the scripture written on this girl's heart from birth. Through raising Hannah, God showed me how envious and greedy I had become. Another weed I couldn't remove from my heart no matter how hard I tried. I needed Jesus to change me.
When Hannah was three, we had everything we wanted. Our careers were taking off. I was thinking of grad school, she was potty trained, we were planning our dream house in the country, and wondering if we were done having kids. According to the world we were on the "right track". We were having difficulty selling our house in town due to zoning and were told it was not sellable. Basically it's value was $0. Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told Michael, he cried. It couldn't have happened at a worse time in our eyes. We now owned two properties, but couldn't afford to keep that up and a baby on the way. Can you see God in this? He loves it when the odds are stacked against His people as He will be victorious in every situation we submit to Him.
I started praying. I called the prayer chain about our house situation, Michael became an expert in zoning and we fought hard with the help of lots of friends to get the zoning changed. All the while, my Dad would say, "I don't know what you are so worried about. God's got it under control. It's going to be fine." I had no idea that those would be the last words He spoke to me. May 13th, 2003, he died suddenly. I was 12 weeks pregnant with John. We broke ground on faith that our house would sell in July. In August, Michael's father died suddenly as well. The sources of wisdom were taken from our lives. We had no idea what we were doing and were in over our heads with the house, the baby, our jobs, and dealing with intense grief. I turned to God the Father and repented of not trusting Him. I sought the help of my earthly father first, then the counsel of other Chirstians. I had never sought my heavenly Father for wisdom or direction, only help. "Rescue me!" Again and again...
God's grace was on me that year. He held me through that pregnancy and I gave birth to John on December 1st 2003. It was a 40 minute labor that was without pain. I was overcome with his grace that night. I wondered if that was what Mary's labor was like. Peaceful, tranquil, knowing that what I was going through was God's will. Surrendered. I remembered thinking that Mary "stored up all these things and pondered them in her heart". I had a taste of that the night John was born. I could not explain what I felt to anyone who would understand. It was a moment between God and I.
Having John that December was God's perfect timing. Everyone was grieving that Christmas, but here was this new life, John Thomas, named after those we lost that year. He brought joy to not only Michael and I, but the whole extended family and neighborhood that Christmas. He was the perfect gift. The child we thought was coming at the worst time came at the perfect time. I confessed again of not trusting Him and thanked Him for the wonderful gift of life.
After John was born, God began turning my heart toward my husband. Praying for him, learning to submit to him. Loving him, but mostly respecting him. I began learning to be a wife, not just a co-parent, sharer of the household duties. REading the Bible, seeking God for wisdom, learning about Him through the word. Humbling myself before Him, recognizing sin in my life and confessing it. Desiring more of Him than me. Wanting to be close to Him no matter how good my life is. You see, for me, the challenge of faith is being close to Him in times of prosperity. I prayed that He would increase my faith that I wouldn't swing back and forth on the pendulum anymore.
He is doing that in me. I love it!
Our fourth child, Joshua Caleb, was born in a time of blessing. We had been homeschooling for two years ( I don't know if that's relevant, just a different path we were on), our whole family was excited for this new life. He was born at home (I never thought I would do that either!) and was so content. Our family has grown closer to each other and the Lord. We would pray together as a family and worship on our own time, not just at church. Our kids would pray for us and each other. My favorite baby picture of Joshua is one with Hannah and John's hands on his back, praying for him. Fruit! I love it!
You see, when we started gardening together, we had no plan. Our lives were random and subject to whatever storm came our way. We spent very little time weeding, and didn't research gardening much. We just kept throwing handfuls of seeds in the ground, hoping for a good crop, spending time weeding and cultivating when we had to, or the mood struck us. Yet, we kept at it. Eventually, we figured out a better way of gardening. Research gardening, through reading the Word of the master gardener. Weed the garden through repentance of our own sin and disciplining our children for theirs. Cultivate and fertilize through obedience. Model a life of faith to our children so they can have more fruitful gardens than ours.
I struggled recently with reflecting on my past failures as a Christian, wife, and mother and wondered how I could give anyone advice on marriage and mothering. I told this to my friend Penny, whose response was exactly what I needed to hear, "Wisdom gained through failure is still wisdom! You changed because of it! That is of great value to the Lord!" Wow. My failures have value. God uses it all, He wastes nothing.
Lord, I pray that my life would bring glory to you. I have not always sought you first, but I am seeking you now. I offer you it all, the good and the bad to be used for your kingdom. You have been so good to me, especially when I was walking away from you. You have gently led me back on the path and pointed me in the direction I must go. I pray, Lord that I would never forget the darkest times in my life apart from you, the depths you have lifted me from. You have given me a messy, noisy house full of children. I thank you Lord, that you have given me a husband who loves me and placed children in my arms. I have not deserved any of it. Your love and kindness overwhelm me. Thank you, Lord.
It's 11pm, Josh is still WIDE awake. It seems like he's just getting into his stride, too. Let's see... he's helped me brush my teeth, wash my face, wash the counter, sink and floor. Then he talked about going potty, but really just wanted to dump very expensive mineral powder foundation all over his potty chair. Obviously he had too long of a nap and is not tired, so I thought I would just read in bed and let him play next to me while he winds down... I look up to him very quietly applying foot cream in globs (to his feet, at least). He and Daddy just left to go play some music. The banjo usually puts him to sleep. What's really funny about this is that just one hour ago, Iwas thinking, "Wouldn't a baby be nice?" There is no better birth control than a two year old! Did I really say that out loud? Well, yes. Now you know our secret. Opposite ends of the house.
