The Good Life

Homeschool Mom or Life in the Trenches

2011-04-06T11:28:00.003-05:00

I was recently asked to tell my story of how I became a homeschool mom to a group of women at our church. My first reaction was, "No problem!" but the more I think, pray, ponder, the more difficult it becomes. You see, prior to homeschooling, I held some pretty strong opinions about the venture and really, none of them were positive. At best, they were neutral or ambivalent. NEVER did I think I would be where I am right now.

Because of my pride and ignorance, God had to do some radical things in my life to change my thinking of what was most important. I needed to be forced to re-evaluate my life goals and where I was going.

I have always been headstrong, hard-working (employed since age 12), and very self-reliant. I didn't listen to wisdom, nor did I seek it. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Luckily, I married and amazingly loving and patient man, probably too much so, that followed me down a lot of paths. I was always the visionary, he was the detail man. The first several years of our marriage, I knew nothing about Godly submission to either God or my husband. I treated God the same way I treated Michael. I lead, you clean up the mess. Fortunately, I can be taught. I learned through hardships that are another testimony, that I need to abide in HIM, all the time. Not just when trouble comes. I became intentional about my relationship with the Lord. I began reading my Bible regularly and praying. Through those times, I began to see how far off from what God had planned for me I was. I started doing a Bible study on Proverbs 31 and I was VERY convicted. At first I was angry, but I slowly began to see that this was about trust and obedience.

I felt foolish doing things to bless my husband and joked about it. "I ironed your shirts, Honey. With starch!" It was good for a few laughs, but really, me being the wife and mom, rather than career woman, blessed my family. I could see it.

Shortly after this began, tragedies began occurring that turned my life upside down. In June of 2001, our oldest daughter had to return to foster care due to extensive problems she had that were more than we could help her with. In September 2001, 9/11 happened. If the two things had happened separately, I think I could have coped, but I felt like I could trust no one, and evil was everywhere. I only trusted myself. In the fall of 2002, I got forced out of a job that I loved. I started a new one in Red Wing that terrified me. In the winter of 2002, we bought my grandma's farm and planned to sell our house and build a new one. We found out our house was unsellable due to zoning. We had two properties and could do nothing with either one. I found out I was pregnant, of course.

I was planning to start Grad school for advanced practice nursing.

That spring, my dad died unexpectedly. It was horrible. I was so broken and helpless.

In August of that same year, Michael's dad died also unexpectedly.

We were building a house and had no idea what we were doing.

That year was surreal. I felt like I was just being swept along, or carried. It was so sad, yet God was so near to me. I really became so close to Him and my faith grew so much. I understood what it meant that He will not forsake us or leave us. I began to seek Him for wisdom. I began to search the Word. I realized how important family was and how short life is. I looked at my growing family and didn't want to miss opportunities. I began to see my career as so inferior to what I had at home. I began thanking God for my family.

Still, I never thought about homeschooling!

That Christmas John was born. Another testimony of how good God is.

The spring of 2004 we moved into our new home.

Matthew and Hannah had been going to our local Lutheran school, but because one was going all day and the other was half days every other day, some days I was driving back and forth into town three times a day with a little baby. That winter of 2004, was very cold and I remember getting weary of bundling up that little baby over and over. We had been through so much and I was very worn out.

Our plan was to put the kids in public school after Christmas...but the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't do it. I just thought it would be unkind to switch schools midyear, so I began thinking about just homeschooling to finish out the year and start public school in the fall. Looking back, this is the only way God could have gotten me to homeschool. My own convenience!

Matthew was in second grade and Hannah was in preschool. I had no idea what I was doing and I was filled with pride. My focus was completely on academics and I am embarrassed at what I put my kids through those first few months. It really was still all about me and their brilliant minds would make me look like such a super mom! Ha!!

I was completely unprepared for what God had in store for us. The first thing I noticed was the condition of my own heart. I was tested and shown to have a heart filled with pride, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness, you name the bad fruit, it was there I am sure. The funny thing is, I really thought I was SOOO GOOD!! I saw that I had been an excellent Pharisee and that I was raising my kids to be just like me. I needed to repent. There were times those first years that I would have to lock myself in my bathroom for time out to pray. Never in my life was I so dependent on the Lord than when I started homeschooling! He was my source, He was my wisdom, He alone could change what was in my heart. Things would come up, and I had to repent, ask for forgiveness from God and my family.

In my kids, I saw things relating to character that we needed to work on. I thought I was such an amazing parent, but began to see there was a lot of responsibility that I had not take seriously and that I had to answer to God one day for how these kids were raised. I could no longer blame teachers or schools, I had to look no further than myself. Ouch.

At the end of the first school year, we looked back. The kids loved it. I reflected on what those first 5 months at home did for our family. Matthew and Hannah became friends. They played together, talked to eachother. They became nurturing to their baby brother. Matthew gained respect for me, instead of just being angry with me. I remembered that feeling of falling in love with my babies, memorizing them, and getting to know them. I saw how we ended up homeschooling as a gift from God. I felt that I had taken my children back and was able to fall in love with them all over again.

I can say that it has been a great reward to teach each of them to read. To discover them writing their first words. Understanding those early math concepts. However, I had no idea how much more rewarding it would be to disciple them. To get an opportuntity to live Dueteronomy 6:6-7 which says,

These words which I command you today shall be on your heart. you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up."

was an amazing privelege. Especially today.

I thought homeschooling was about taking over the academics and raising little brainiacs who wear weird clothes and don't quite fit in. Kids who know where every country is, its capital, language and chief export.

I now see it as a tremendous opportuntity God has given us to raise a generation who will be faithful to Him. To raise a generation who will not compromise the Word of God. To raise a generation who are unafraid of man, but seek the Lord for His will in their lives. Do I think that homeschooling is a guarantee. No! It is, however, a great advantage. I spent much of my own life worrying about what others think of me, rather than what God thinks of me. I find that my kids really don't seem to care what others think. What a gift of freedom that alone is!! I wonder why we want to be normal anyway, look around! Obviously normal isn't working!! Maybe it's time we tried weird!

The fruit over the past 7 years of homeschooling is far more than I ever imagined. God took my very small, weak steps of obedience to do amazing things in and through our family. Four of our five children have comitted their lives to Jesus. My husband also accepted Christ after 15 yrs of marriage. We experienced a true revival in our home at that time. The Holy Spirit was moving so quickly in our home, I was exhausted. I remember thanking God for all the miraculous things he was doing, especially in our marriage, but I really needed one quiet day to do my laundry. Which He generously gave, before moving in power again. I was reunited with my lifelong friend and cousin, Penny after really no contact for about 20 yrs. We were uprooted and transplanted in this church...I could go on.

Homeschooling I can see was just one part of what God had planned for our family. It became a training ground for His purpose. I can tell you that apart from Him, I could not do it all. But His words are true. He is not a man that He should lie. He is faithful and if He is asking you do do something, no matter what it is, His grace truly is is sufficient and His strength really is made perfect in our weakness.

Thank you, Lord!!

It's an Eyeore Day

2010-12-14T12:40:00.002-06:00

Maybe it's cabin fever already. Maybe it's the subzero temps. Maybe it's CO leaking from the wood heat. Maybe it's Christmas blues. Maybe it's the mess. I don't know, but I'd really like to make some tea and lock myself in the bedroom where it's quiet, more clean than any other room in the house (though not clean itself).
Unfortunately, it's a day of schoolwork, getting dinner ready, swimming lessons, piano lessons, and try to get my laundry put away before it's time to wash again. Some days, I feel like I'm just treading water. Today is definitely one of those days. Accomplishing very little, just trying to not drown.
Don't worry, I'm not depressed. Just having a melancholy day...

Rainy Day Thoughts

2010-06-05T16:16:00.003-05:00

I have just about wasted this entire day doing not much of anything. It's one of those days when I just bumble from one random activity to another with no goals, direction, or to-do list. It is sort of relaxing, but there is always this nagging in my mind that I should really be doing something more measureable. Just to warn you, this posting is going to go just like my day...meandering...

I got up at 7:30 with high hopes for the day. Shower, makeup, hair, ready for anything. Breakfast, coffee, baby (changing, feeding, playing...) After that, I forget what I did for the next two and a half hours, but I'm sure there was some coffee, snacks, and conversations. Thankfully, no time wasting Saturday morning fights. Dum-de-dum... Oh, yeah! I forgot to pick up my bread in Red Wing! Woo-hoo! An activity! So I took Josh with me to town, we picked up bread and got gas and donuts then came home. Next, a trip to Cannon Falls with Michael and baby to get some feed for our chickens. After that, we went for a little drive on some country roads, talked and listened to my new favorite CD (Laura Hackett). We got back home around 12:30 and had lunch.

Lunch reminded me that I discovered earlier in the morning that everything in our fridge was warm, so lunch was leftovers that needed to be eaten before they go bad. Tell me why the fridge always breaks the day AFTER one gets groceries??? I just got groceries yesterday!! Michael and Matthew kindly moved milk and meat to the garage fridge so they wouldn't spoil. Everything else is on the warm side of cool in the kitchen. We left messages for the repair man, but I suppose he gets weekends off, too. Funny thing...I was just telling a friend how we really didn't need that second fridge in the garage anymore and how I thought is was a waste of electricity. Huh.

After lunch, dishes to be washed by hand (Did I mention that our dishwasher is broken, too?) then the choice of finishing laundry, or ANYTHING else. I chose the anything else option and got out my guitar after one year of neglect. I remembered a couple chords and struggled through "Twinkle, Twinkle" and a couple other kids songs. Michael got out his banjo and we sang "Down by the Bay" for boys who laughed and then we quit.

After the music, we all went off to our separate activities and I again faced the choice of laundry or Anything Else. Anything Else won again and I got out all my farm reference books and started researching sheep. Why? Cuz I think my life is too dull and I need to add a few more projects to our plate and that they've always interested me. I like that the eat grass and weeds. I have this image of our mess of a pasture being clean, trim and green with these happy, white, little fluffs calmly grazing and a warm, sunny day. The nagging in my mind counters with an image of storm clouds, cold wind, rain and lots of mud. While my sheep look more like giant lint balls dragging sticks and weeds that are knotted to their unkempt (and badly in need of shearing) wool by burdock. That's if they stay in the pasture.

I haven't even gotten to the sheep chapter in my book because it starts with chickens, and I do love my chickens, so in case there are chicken facts I don't know, I'd better read. the next chapter is ducks and geese. Well. I just happened to bring home two ducks from work yesterday from a co-worker so I need more duck facts in my head. Better read it. the chapter after that is goats. I hate goats. They are the most evil barnyard animal ever. I was brutally betrayed by a goat once as a small child and I don't know that I will ever trust or forgive the rest of the goat population. I was at a friends house and I was petting, scratching and talking to her pet goat which, I might add, boasted a nice pair of horns. When I turned to go into her house, it nailed me on the backside. I was shocked, hurt, and betrayed. I felt no guilt whatsoever in skipping the goat chapter. We will NEVER own a goat.

Just as I found my place on Chapter 5 Sheep, Noah woke up hungry. I was feeling a little sleepy, so I took him into my big fluffy bed, and we fell asleep...

It's now 5 o'clock and time to start supper. I have succeeding in wasting a Saturday skipping my laundry and doing Anything Else all day. Yawn... stretch...it was good.

Getting It Right...Sometimes

2010-05-22T00:45:00.007-05:00

One would think that having 5 kids would be really difficult to manage. Crazy, in fact. It is true that some days are like that. Especially, it seems, that when one thing goes wrong it can set off a chain of events that derails my whole day. Take my recent habit of sleeping in, for example. I have been hooked on watching "All Creatures Great and Small" on Netflix and though I enjoy it like a warm blanket and hot cuppa tea, it's getting me off track. An episode of "All Creatures" is a FULL hour long. Sooo...I've been up 'til midnight many nights, then Michael falls asleep before me, then I lay in bed listening to him BREATHE!! Of all the insensitive things to do!! BREATHE!!! Continuously, no less!
Anyway, I got a little sidetracked, there, sorry. So I get up at 8:00 am, and at least two of my kids are up, sloshing breakfasts around the kitchen and surfaces. Outfit ideas strewn all over their bedroom floors. The final choices are usually sweatshirts on 80 degree days, no underwear (because mommy needs to open that drawer or the dresser will tip over on them), and toothpaste squirted out on the bathroom counter. John and Josh are now experimenting with flossing, so there are usually flossers all over the counter, as well.
The amazing thing is that baby Noah has not really added to the chaos of my house. It was like this before he was born. My problem is time management, or the lack therof. Since sweet, little baby Noah was born, I have totally thrown my routines out the window. I have got to get that back. I know you'll probably laugh at this, but I've been just a tad on the lazy side. At least with getting done what is REALLY important. Oh, I've been very busy working, totally wearing myself out, in fact, but the things that really matter have been on the back burner. So this is, in part, my confession.
When you read my facebook posts about all the heroic things I have done in a day, do NOT be impressed. Ask me, "Did you spend time with the Lord today?" "Did you sit down and PLAY with your kids?" Did you take the phone off the hook, or happily take every call and blabber on for an hour about nothing while your kids destroy your house to get attention?" "Did you smile ONCE at them and mean it?"
Wow. Being a mom is awesomely difficult, fun, rewarding, tiring, stretching (mind and body), and character building :-)
The longer I am a wife and mother, the more I realize how serious this job is and how incapable I seem to be at it. The good thing is, sometimes I get it right and God is gracious enough to take that bit that I get right and bless it with fruit. I can go on and on about all the things I have done wrong. Short-tempered, selfish, and self-absorbed as I can be, I do sometimes hit upon something GOOD with my family.
This week, I started playing this game with John, Josh and baby Noah. I hold Noah in front of my face, facing out, and have him "talk" to his brothers. John and Josh LOVE this! They talk to him just like he was really talking to them and it's really cool what they say. I can say things like, "I'm so glad you're my big brother! Will teach me how to do a summer-sault when I'm big like you?" They have been much more nurturing to baby, and treat him more like a real person instead of a toy.
With Hannah, when I am work, we email eachother and our relationship is definitely improving. She was so disappointed, I think in me, for not having a sister. I think since last fall she's been in kind of a funk about it. The letter writing, instant messaging stuff has been helping. Also, I have been turning her loose in the kitchen more. It was difficult at first, the kitchen being clearly MY TURF. When I backed off, and just let her at it, she churned out some amazing, beautiful rhubarb pies. she also cleaned up the mess which is a big plus. I'm thinking I may not have to bake another pie for years! Woo-hoo!
With Matthew, it's arguing about everything that I say. I get sucked into silly debates over and over and over. Here's my new line when an arguement starts. "I know how you feel. If I were you, I'd argue with me, too." Then walk away. Kinda deflates the balloon. It worked today, I'll let you know how long it lasts.
Another thing I think I might try just for fun is to get a goldfish bowl and have written on strips of paper general answers to the "why" questions.
1. We can't afford it right now.
2. We don't approve of this.
3. We don't have time for this.
4. We don't believe in this.
5. Because I said so.
6. You're not old enough.
Then whenever an arguement starts, I walk over to the fish bowl and pull out my response. Don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise!

I know these are little things, but thats what parenting and life is. A whole bunch of little things that add up in either the positive or negative side. Which one will weigh more in the end? We shall see...

Update

2010-03-16T11:57:00.002-05:00

I was able to see my ENT doc this morning. My ear is ok, just need a long course of heavy duty antibiotics and hopefully all will be well again. I was having a lot of worries about painful surgeries again, etc, etc. Thankfully, that will not be the case! Michael took the day off so I could go to my appt. without kids, so we are having a very nice day. Too bad it's raining!

MRSA

2010-03-15T17:16:00.002-05:00

So, ever since Noah was born, I have has a hard time kicking this ear infection. I have a LOOOONG history of ear problems and ear surgeries on my left ear that seemed to be under control. I have had really no problems for the past 7 or eight years. The scary thing is, that it has been operated on so many times that there is very little left of my middle ear and not much between it and my brain. For me to have a MRSA infection in that ear is one of my biggest fears. I have exposed nerve, any many points of entry for bacteria to cause major problems.
I am very glad I was a bit testy when I went into urgent care and asked for it to be cultured, but I do also feel that ignorance was bliss.
I am also grateful that I was able to track down the ENT surgeon who I saw in the past and he will be seeing me first thing tomorrow morning in Faribault. Yay! It pays to have connections. I actually worked with him at the Cannon Falls Hospital in surgery as well as him being my doctor. We have kids the same age and still send Christmas cards, so thankfully I was able to bypass the usual routines.
Please pray for me! Not only am I worried, but this hurts!

Let's Do Away With Illusions, Eh?

2010-03-14T18:23:00.002-05:00

One thing I am slowly realizing is that people are rarely what they seem on the outside. Now, I'm not saying that everyone leads a double life, but that we always see people through our preconceived, sometimes stereotypical images. It takes time with someone for the illusions to go away. When making friends with someone, we go through a period when the illusions begin to be replaced by the truth of who they really are. This is when we make decisions about whether the relationship is worth the investment or not. Will we be more than Facebook Friends? Will I let you see my disgusting toilets or will I feel like I have to clean them before you come over (furthering the illusion, I might add).

I love my friends that I don't feel like I need to clean up before they come over. they can see my kids with dirty faces and silly outfits. They can have a cup of coffee with me on the cluttered couches while we share some tears over something happening in one of our lives, good or bad. I can tell them my failures and fears. I can be real.

I've been having a hard time lately finding my place in this busyness. I'm absolutely loving having 5 kids and my life right now, but it's getting harder and harder to appear that I've go it all together. Some things that I used to have pretty good control over, I don't anymore. Like little things with my kids. Their rooms are no longer my responsibility to clean. I didn't think that they used to be, but when they reached a certain level of disaster, I would breakdown and spend a day deep cleaning. Can't do it. Every one of them looks like a fire hazard and that's just the way it's gonna be, so if you have a problem with messy, get over it.

My cooking has totally lost it's creativity. I simply don't care. Meat, veggies and some form of carb like rice or potatoes. Actually, it's just rice or potatoes. If you're sick of those, too bad. I used to care what my kids said about my cooking, but I found that it didn't matter how much time or effort I spent on a meal, it was lost on them. In fact, it seemed that the more time I spent, the less they liked it. So now I open the freezer, grab a meat, cook some rice, nuke a veg and there we go. My husband will eat anything and love it. My job is only to please him, not the kids. If he likes it and it's nutritious, I've done my job. Next...

My laundry is never done. and I mean NEVER. If I do bust my butt to get it done in one day, which requires that I set a timer for when the washer is done and don't leave the house for the day, there is AT LEAST a full basket of dirty clothes by bedtime. This used to actually make me mad, pointless, I know, but it would kinda grate on me.

My house probably smells bad. That's what Febreeze is for. I have a dog that has recently decided she can poop in the basement and we don't always discover it right away, cuz, well, it's the basement and I'm busy. (Any dog experts out there, I would welcome your advice. She's 2 for crying out loud.) I also have bedwetters and I'm sorry, the sheets don't always get washed everyday. We do use pads on the bed, but there is an element of error. Also, refer to the paragraph on laundry.

My fridge rarely gets cleaned. If you're hungry please help yourself, do the smell test. You'll probably be fine. One of my nesting activities before the baby was born was to have Michael completely disassemble the inside of the fridge while I cleaned it to the molecular level, so it should be good for several years. Nesting does serve a very practical purpose. If you are pregnant, don't fight it, embrace it.
Should I talk about dusting? Something I actually used to do every Friday before I had kids. Now I honestly don't remember ever dusting in this house except my bedroom ( I do still have some standards). I am sure Michael has done the dusting, but I have no idea what or how often. Not real high on my list right now.

Here's the problem...I want a clean house. I love a clean house. I can THINK in a clean house. I have slowly, and not just with this baby, had to lower my standards, or just let things go. I am deciding to make the most of my life right now, where I'm at. God has BLESSED me with 5 kids. I love them! I am realizing how fast they grow up and it scares me. I have been soing things that normally I would be "too busy" for. I went sledding twice with the kids and they loved it. I have sat down and played a quick game with John. Josh, John, Hannah and I colored and I lived. I actually told Matthew today that I would like to try playing Call of Duty today. He has been talking about it a lot and giving me lots of advice, so I'm pretty sure I'm locked in now. Next thing you know I'll be all geared up and air softing in the woods.

In order to do what we have been called to do, the illusions gotta go. I don't have time for them and they are lies, anyway. We homeschool and that's a priority. Iam beginning to realize how much it has helped develop the character of our children. My kids are NOT perfect. If you know us, you know that. However, my kids do love the Lord. If you asked me what was the most important thing I want to teach my kids I would say that it was that they would love the Lord, know Him, know His word, and never walk away. Education is very important, we don't neglect that, but education is not as important as salvation. I need to frequently remind myself of that.

Today in church, during worship, I had an image of myself kneeling on the floor in the middle of a big mess in my house. In that image, my eyes were closed, hands open, surrender. I was surrendering my life and will to God. It's far from perfect, but it's my life. I have failed my husband and kids over and over, but I get a new opportunity every day to give it back to God and try again. I was reminded of my purpose and given fresh vision and direction. I was also encouraged. This is my family. Not someone elses. I need to please only two people, Jesus and my husband. If they are happy, then it's a good day.
So, when you come over. Be warned. My kids don't have polished manners and social graces. My fault, but we're working on it. My house may have hidden surprises. Know that if I had more time, I would take care of them. We love to visit. We love coffee, tea, conversation, and home grown music. So, to quote my mother, "Shovel off a chair and sit down! Do you want a cup of coffee?"

I'm 39...Seriously!

2010-01-17T20:33:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was my 39th birthday, no lie. I have to admit, it was one of the best. My niece, Aliza and I share the same birthday and we decided that we really ought to spend it together doing something fun. So, about a month ago, we began discussing what we ought to do. The conversation went like this...
"Aunt Krissy, our birthday is coming soon..." Aliza said.
"I know. What do you suppose we should do? I think we should do something together this year. How about if we go shopping?"
Aliza said, "Yeah! Then we could buy things!"
"That sounds good. What do you think we should buy?" I asked.
"Presents! (long pause for thought) ...and balloons!"
I loved this conversation. Aliza is now 5 years old and I absolutely adore her. so what evolved from our plans was the First Annual Girls Day Out at the Mall of America. I don't think Aliza had ever been there, nor had my daughter, Hannah. The two of them loved the American Girl doll store, Claire's (Hannah got her ears pierced yesterday, to which her father made her promise that that would be the last piercing she would ever have done in her life), Nickolodeon, and Old Navy. The sales were amazing. Hannah and Aliza both had a bit of spending money and were able to REALLY stretch it at Old Navy where they had the best clearance deals I have ever seen. Hannah scored shirts for 50 cents, pajamas for $3.00, and cute white pea coat for $7.00. Aliza bought herself some things, too. It was great to train in the next generation of bargain shoppers!
We didn't cover much ground at the mall as we were a fairly large group. In our "party" was myself, Hannah, my sister Valerie, Aliza, my sister Laura, my mom, Ronda, and Valerie's mother-in-law, Sue. It was ok, we did girly stuff, lots of window shopping, wandering, and a non-fast food lunch together. That's all I wanted.
I think it was mutually decided that this must be a tradition. Soooo...what should we do next year?

Baby Updates...

2010-01-06T20:42:00.002-06:00

I have been busy, busy, busy... going through clothes, washing, sorting, etc. Today we moved the changing table into the master bathroom and set up the dressers for John and Josh. Now I'm washing baby clothes and getting very excited to meet baby. After I get all the baby stuff set up, I will be on to cooking. My plan is to have two months worth of suppers in the freezer before the end of the month. Well, that's my goal. Problem is, I've been having LOTS of contractions. Seems like minimal work brings it on. In fact, today I got the dressers set up, but Matthew did all the moving for me. So basically today, I have just done laundry. Now I'm in bed for the rest of the evening in bed with my feet up. If I get up and walk...contraction. Driving me crazy. Is this how it is for baby #5? Anyone been there?
I worked last weekend and by Sunday, all I could do was cry.
4-6 weeks to go...

Facing the Raging Sea

2009-12-30T20:14:00.003-06:00

I wa reading my Bible this morning and one random verse stuck out at me and brought back lots of memories. I love it when little gems are discovered in the Word, it brings Hebrews 4:12 to life. Anyway, the verse was Zechariah 10:11...
They will pass through the sea of trouble; the surging sea will be subdued and all the depths of the Nile will dry up.
I immediately thought of the seas of trouble that I have faced in my life. Problems in our marriage, problems with myself (yeah, lots of 'em), problems with our children, facing death of family members, financial crisis, facing being forced out of a job I loved, starting a new one I was terified of, being told the child we tried for years to have would not live, failing an adoption, I really could go on and on. Those are just a few, there are more encounters with the Sea of Trouble.
You know what? God has always been faithful. I always had to go through the Sea, but never alone. He also "subdued" it. Things worked out, I got through what I thought I never could by His grace alone. God has always been faithful to me, even when I was unfaithful to Him. I doubted, I feared, I cried a lot. He was faithful, always faithful. Comforting, leading me to the exact scripture I needed at that exact moment. He put people in my path who spoke truth in love and encouraged me. He miraculously changed circumstances. He did what only God could do and I grew in faith and love for Him. He brings good from all circumstances to those who love Him. I KNOW it.

I'm BAAAAAAAACK!!!!!

2009-12-27T19:22:00.002-06:00

I am ashamed of how I have let this go. September first was my last entry. That's pretty pathetic. Honestly, I've missed it. The problem is, computer time is sacred at our house, especially with added users. Matthew, Hannah, John and I have all been fighting over the same computer. Sometimes they even pull the "But MOM! I have to use it to do my schoolwork!!" ARRRGH. That's the ultimate trump card. Education excuses always work. I'm so easily manipulated...
Anyway, Michael and I used our combined gift cards and gift money to buy mama a laptop. (yay!!)
I feel very spoiled, though I'm loving sitting on the couch with the kiddos watching "Up" right now and being able to BLOG!!!!!! the ultimate togetherness activity, eh?
Truth is, I have a lot to write about lately. Josh is potty trained now (Thank you, God!), baby is on the way very soon, or at least it seems like very soon to everyone but me. Matthew and Hannah are getting so grown up, we have a winter with tons of snow and the kids have been sledding every day and LOVING it.
Anyway, stay tuned. I promise there is more to come!

Football Season is Here!

2009-09-01T14:31:00.003-05:00

Matthew's first game is tonight. Gotta admit, I do turn into a bit of a crazy woman. I find myself saying such crazy things as, "I want to see blood and broken bones!" and "Go bust some heads!"

Now, I don't generally condone violence, but I do tend to like sports that encourage bloodshed. My favorites are: football, hockey, wrestling, and kickboxing. I have never watched ultimate fighting for fear I might really enjoy it. Besides, we don't have cable, so I will have to settle for watching my boys sword fight.

Stay tuned...

Still in Love After 20 Years

2009-08-30T22:56:00.003-05:00

Ever run across an old song that causes a flood of memories to come rushing back? I don't know exactly why I LOVE this song, but I always have and it's always reminded me of the realness of our relationship. The bad comes with the good. Fortunately, the good is so sweet and rich that it makes the hard times bearable. Refining.

And Michael, I will always remember and laugh about your dream when your jammed with Sting on MTV Unplugged. Wish I could've been there!

Fields of Gold

by Sting
You'll remember me when the west wind moves

Upon the fields of barley

You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we walk in the fields of gold
So she took her love

For to gaze awhile

Upon the fields of barley

In his arms she fell as her hair came down

Among the fields of gold
Will you stay with me, will you be my love

Among the fields of barley

Well forget the sun in his jealous sky

As we lie in the fields of gold
See the west wind move like a lover so

Upon the fields of barley

Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth

Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly

And there have been some that Ive broken

But I swear in the days still left

Well walk in the fields of gold

Well walk in the fields of gold
Many years have passed since those summer days

Among the fields of barley

See the children run as the sun goes down

Among the fields of gold

Youll remember me when the west wind moves

Upon the fields of barley

You can tell the sun in his jealous sky

When we walked in the fields of gold

What's Going On

2009-06-17T09:20:00.007-05:00

I have really been missing my blog. I really am not avoiding it, I love it. However there are only so many hours in a day and we are right now on project overload. I snuck outside for a few minutes this morning to take some pics of what is going on at our little farm. The one I affectionately call the "Victory Farm". The meaning behind that name is definitely the subject of another post, but not today.

I have been spending every spare moment I have weeding the garden, hoping this year I will be Victorious over the weeds. (hint to upcoming post). So far, the weeds have about a 50% foothold, but the battle is really just beginning and I do have 4 children, two of which have reached the Age of Helpfulness...so there is hope.

So, without further ado, I present to you...

Victory Farm

Faith as a Mustard Seed

2009-05-27T07:49:00.003-05:00

...for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20

Yesterday I spent the late afternoon and evening getting the rest of my seeds in the ground. John and Josh were "helping" me plant lots of zucchini, squash, and pumpkins in large hills of dirt. Hannah was in the pasture cutting sticks from box elder trees to use as stakes to mark our hills. In the pasture, the wild mustard is in full bloom. She picked a bouquet of mustard and brought it to me, asking what kind of flowers they were. As Joshua was trying to plant the mustard flowers in the hill of zucchini, I explained that it was mustard, and said, "You know, Jesus said if we would just have faith as small as a mustard seed, we would tell a mountain to move and it would do it!" At this point, Hannah was walking to the opposite end of the garden. "I sense a sermon coming on, get out of here!" were possibly her thoughts.

As I mounded up the next hill for squash, I was thinking of that verse. What would it be like to have that kind of faith? I know I don't have the faith that moves mountains. Then a light went on and I began to think of this verse in a way I never had before. Now, you have to know that I have not done deep research on this (or any research, for that matter), so don't build a doctrine on it. However, I want your input.

In the past, I have looked at that verse with a bit of hopeless frustration. It even seemed to me, reading the preceding passages, that Jesus was frustrated with the weak faith of His disciples. I would read it as God's disappointment in the weakness of our faith. I know that that is not the case. I would also look at my own weak, pathetic faith, and feel discouraged. I think where my faith has grown the most, is recognizing that I am not God. Meaning it really isn't up to me to get the mountain moved, but it's up to Him. In my life, I have fallen in to the "if I just do more... if I just change this, then..." OR "I haven't been reading my Bible lately, so my prayers don't have the power that ____'s prayers do." OR "I wish I had ____'s relationship with Jesus." OR "____is my loved by God than I am, because look at their faith!" Now I KNOW that these statements are lies. However, I still catch myself hearing those thoughts.

Now, here's what I think mustard seed faith looks like...

You feel that nudge from God to do something, maybe a little out of your comfort zone like ask someone you barely know if you can pray for them. You do it. The return effect is something like, "Wow! Thank you!" or tears. You didn't argue with Him, you just did it.

You are on the phone with a friend you have known for a long time and she discloses to you a very dire financial situation. You feel the nudge of God to bring them meat from the freezer and load up a few bags of meat and bring it to her house. You say, "I think the Lord wants you to have this. I don't know why, but here you go." There are tears in her eyes as you leave. You maybe are told later that she had just prayed that morning that if there were just meat in her freezer, she would know that she could get through this.

You can't stop thinking of someone, so you pray for them. Later you find out that what you were praying for was exactly what they needed at the time.

You know someone who is ill. You pray for them, they get better.

The house is crazy, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing off the hook, you are ready to tear your hair out. You feel God telling you to pray. You steal away for two minutes, locked in the bathroom with tears streaming down your face just telling the Lord how much you love Him and being in His presence. You return to reality and things are strangely much calmer!

You see, I think that mustard seed faith is knowing who God is on an intimate level and just doing what He tells you to do. Seek Him, steal away with Him, desire Him, know Him.

If you love me, you will obey what I have commanded. John 14:15

It is completely backwards to try to obey Him first. This is where I think a lot of churches frustrate people and drive them away. We can not accomplish the fruit of the Holy Spirit on our own. We cannot fit into this mold of Christ-like perfection apart from an intimate relationship with Him. It takes time to cultivate that kind of relationship. Ask anyone who has been married a few decades. They will tell you the truth! It takes time, it takes endurance, seeking each other out, sharing everything (good and bad). Learning to be real, not what you think the other wants you to be. Our relationship with the Lord really is just like a marriage. It doesn't begin with depth, wisdom, and maturity. Nor should we try to move the mountain first. We should do what He says,

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Matthew 6:33

I am not saying that new believers shouldn't bother to pray, nor expect their prayers to be answered. I am just saying that as our relationship with Him grows deeper and stronger, so will our ability to discern His voice, and do what He says. Thus, the mountain moving prayers. Let Him worry about how His will can be accomplished. That's not our problem. We are just called to love Him and obey Him.

I can handle that!

Lord,

Thank you that you have shown me that you know my faith is weak, but You are powerful. It's not about me or my accomplishments, it's about you and yours. I could never move a mountain, no matter how powerful or righteous I might be. (ha, ha!) You are all powerful. It's not my righteousness, but yours. You are amazing, and you love me! Wow! Help me to love you back. Transform me into your likeness. I want to be more like you, not me. I want to do your will, not mine. Help me to seek you first, not all the other things. continue to show me when I'm going about it completely backwards and gently get me back on track. You truly are the Good Shepherd and I love you.

In Jesus name, Amen

Summer!

2009-05-22T02:54:00.002-05:00

I absolutely love this time of year. I have my first (and hopefully only) sunburn, the garden is getting planted and I have flowers that need daily watering. Never mind that just last week we got frost, it was just in the upper 90's this week! Minnesota has got to be one of the most peculiar places in the world at least concerning weather. Maybe that's why I like it here. I get bored when things stay the same, our weather patterns suit me. Variable and unpredictable. Love it!
The boys have been playing with the hose outside, and the older kids have mounted a sprinkler to the trampoline. I love watching them from the kitchen window...kids laughing, playing, and getting along for HOURS. What could be better?
Michael has set up a "new" clothesline (that was Grandma Joyce's, so it's actually very old, but solid iron), the lawn needs it's second mowing, and the garden could use some weeding already. The kids will be done with schoolwork next week and the graduation invites are in our mailbox daily. If only the pools were open...

Six Years Ago Today

2009-05-13T14:22:00.005-05:00

I really miss my Dad. Wow. How I wish my kids could climb up on his lap and listen to one of his great stories, build things in the shop, or help cook in the kitchen. I miss his voice of reason and humor. I miss his big strong hands and the fact that he was the only one in the world who could EVER call me Igor and make me smile. I miss seeing his very recognizable limp, but huge, strong body. He was my definition of an overcomer.

Ode to April...by Melody

2009-04-30T15:00:00.001-05:00

You know an "ode" should rhyme and be put in verses.Like this:

Oh April how we admire

Thy hard and honest work

How relentlessy you toil

To make all the lists without a quirk

Your hands were greatly needed

As we cut chicken from the bone

As we toiled hard with labored brows

And got the work all done

It would have been far simpler

If you could have been around

But in your absence food still got made

Recipes pound after pound

Next month maybe you'll have the chance

To work alongside once again

But until then we will have to listen

To Kris say everynow and then...

"If April were here you would seecooking at its best.

Alas till then you will haveto settle with slicing chicken breast"

Cooking Day and Ode to April

2009-04-29T19:35:00.002-05:00

Cooking Day is over and as I reflect on the toiling, planning, details, shopping and thinking required, I have to give due honor to my dear friend, April. (You thought this was going to be about spring, didn't you?)
Usually she is the backbone of our once a month cooking days, but this month she needed to bow out. Her daughter's prom, graduation, Spring planting and a sister's 5oth birthday party all landing at about the same time made it just not possible. April usually sends out the preliminary menu list, crunches the numbers, plans the shopping list, and hauls everything to my house for cooking day. Once there, she is very on top of things. She is very knowledgeable, and an excellent cook. I have learned a lot from her and have a new appreciation for her attention to details.
It turned out just fine, but I have taken for granted all the hard work she does without complaint. Here is what I realized yesterday...
April is the workhorse.
I am the whiner.
Forgive me.

Another Late Night

2009-04-26T04:24:00.001-05:00

I am working nights, you know how I love 'em. Anyway, I really can't be witty, funny, or profound. I just want to sleeeeeeep. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2 hours to go.

Temptations

2009-04-24T23:22:00.004-05:00

I was reading Matthew ch. 4 Thursday morning and I had one of those great revelations. I love those moments that God chooses to reveal something about Himself that I hadn't known before. Anyway, let me take it apart and show what I saw.

Matthew 4 begins with the temptation of Jesus which occurs right after His baptism (imagine that!). vs.1 Then Jesus was led into the desert by the Spirit to be tempted by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry.

Ok, now the first thing that jumps out at me is that Satan didn't even bother to approach Him until after He had fasted forty days and nights and was hungry. That is the first difference between Jesus and I. I am thinking about food as soon as I get out of bed, or at least coffee! It doesn't take much suffering to bring me to a place of weakness. It was much different for Jesus. After 40 days, He is now weak enough that Satan, who had been prowling around Him the whole time like a lion after the weak or injured, thought the time would be right to try to lead Him astray. Waiting, watching, planning. Jesus now feels physical hunger and no doubt, weakness. Satan moves in for the attack.

vs. 3 The tempter came to Him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread."

Satan is soooo good at what he does. He's been at it a long time, but if you'll look closely at these verses, you'll see his tactics haven't changed much since Eve ate the fruit. First off, he challenges Jesus on who He is. "Are you the Son of God? Prove it!" "Do you really know who you are (in God)? " Or, how about this, "If you're hungry, just eat! It won't matter. If you want it, just take it. It's good food!" Ever heard that before?

His first attack is on Jesus' physical need and desire for nourishment and immediate fulfillment of genuine hunger and weakness. I love how Jesus responds.

vs. 4 Jesus answered, " It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' "

Bam! Take that Satan! Jesus first defensive action is to use the Word. Satan had no response. He recoiled, regrouped, then tried a new manuever.

vs. 5 then the devil took Him to the holy city and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6"If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down. For it is written: " 'He will command His angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, that you will not strike your foot against a stone.' "

Whoa. There's a lot in these two verses. His attack on physical wants and needs failed. How about His security with His relationship with the Father? "If you really are a child of God, then He will rescue you. But, He might not love you as much as you thought..." Maybe God really doesn't care about you..." Except Satan always masquerades in the first person, getting us to believe these doubts are our own original thoughts. Some are, but most are his firey darts of doubt shot at us in our moments of weakness. So in reality, it goes more like this, "Maybe God doesn't love me as much as ____" or "I just don't have as strong of faith as____ so my prayer probably won't get answered" or how about this one "I'm not that important"?

I think it's interesting that Satan, the Father of All Lies, is constantly trying to get us to believe that God is a liar, and Satan is telling the truth. He did it to Eve, He did it to Jesus and He does it to us. Jesus had just been baptized in the passage before. Heaven opened and an audible voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased." Matt. 3:17

I don't think the Father could have stated it any clearer. AND there were witnesses. Lots of them. Yet, I find it interesting that Satan tries to plant the seed of doubt that God won't really be there for Him. He won't rescue Him, or that He should prove it to be true.

Jesus response the the second attack is simple, yet very powerful.

vs.7 Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

I love that line. You see, Satan knows the Word of God. He's been studying it for thousands of years. He knows how to twist truth, take things out of context and get us off on so many rabbit trails. He is trying to draw Jesus away from focussing on the Father and using God's own Word to do it. Very effective. However, Jesus (my hero :-) knows the context of the whole Word. He was present at creation. He was there when Satan was evicted from heaven. He did not take the bait.

Jesus had something I think most, probably all of us lack. He had complete confidence in who He was in relationship to the Father. He knew the immense love of the one who IS Love. He knew how deep, how wide, how high is the Father's love. He had that revelation. He was unshakable in His faith and position. He knew the perfect love that casts out all fear. he knew the love that goes beyond all understanding. We cannot grasp it completely, but Jesus did. Here is a human like none other. I am wondering what Satan was thinking at this point. Most of us wouldn't have made it past the bread! What Satan didn't do was respond to the truth. When Jesus responded with the word, he had nothing to say. Hmmmm....

Satan again recoils, regroups, and moves in again. Notice it is all offensive action. He has no defense against the Word.

vs. 8 Again the devil took Him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9"All this I will give you," he said, "if you will bow down and worship me."

What? Are you kidding me? I struggle with how Satan could possible think this was a temptation. We have already established that Jesus knew who He was in relationship to the Father. He had to know that He was God, sent to restore His kingdom. To take back what the enemy has stolen. Maybe he was offering the kingdom to Jesus in a way that He wouldn't have to die. I don't know. If He bowed down to Satan, he would then avoid the cross? Someone once told me that what Satan was offering Jesus was to be the antichrist. If anyone has more insight on those verses, please share! What I do know is that my hero again didn't fall for it. Not for a second.

vs.10 Jesus said to him, "Away from me, Satan! For it is written: 'Worship the Lord you God, and serve Him only.' "

Satan tried as a last ditch effort, to tempt Him with power. "All of this can be yours, if you just___." Sounds like a telemarketing scheme, too good to be true. In addition to trying to tempt Him with power, I'm now wondering if he was also trying to tempt Him with avoidance of pain, suffering, and death. Through this time of testing, Jesus did not lose focus on His mission and purpose. He used the Word of God to fight against the enemy and it worked.

vs. 11 Then the devil left Him, and angels came and attended Him.

The Bible says, "resist the devil and he will flee from you". I picture the devil fleeing from Jesus at that point. Running scared. He had met his match. There is truly none like Him, matchless is every way. Wow. Not only did overcome the temptation of Satan, He gave us His Spirit and Word so that we can overcome temptation as well. We cannot defeat Satan on our own, we are no match for him, he will eat our lunch and give us the whoopin' of our lives if we try to take him on apart from salvation in Christ. Not only do we need salvation, we need training. Young men do not join the Army, then go home and sit on the couch until there is a war. We shouldn't either!

From these verses, I noticed four things about Jesus that gave Him the ability to overcome the temptation of Satan.

1. Know the Word.

Jesus' defense was always scripture and is meant to be ours as well. that is why it is given to us.

2. Know the Father's love.

There are countless verses that come to my mind when I think of His love for me. Learn them, pray them, sing them, know them. Meditate on them day and night! Get them into your heart so when you are attacked by the enemy, you can recognize the lies.

3. Know who you are in relationship to the Father.

What is God's mission for your life? If you don't know, ask Him to reveal it to you. I still am seeking His vision for my life. If we know what our mission is, we are not as easily drawn down the paths of so many seemingly good things that aren't necessarily God's will. I take on too many good things that take time away from God. If I know clearly what my commanding officer wants me to do, I won't waste time on things that don't matter. Better time management!

4. Know your place.

Jesus was humble before the Father. He submitted to His perfect will, even unto death. Not just any death, but death on the cross. He is God, I am not. His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Sometimes I forget that and doubt His wisdom. "Are you sure you know what you're doing, God?" is the essence of my thoughts.

Thank you, Father, for your Word. It is 100% true and reliable. It has the power to set captives free and bring light into darkness. Wash me with your word, purify me, cleanse me, make me like You. Increase my faith that I would not doubt you, or your love for me. I submit my life and my will to yours. You know better than I and I will trust you, even when I do not understand.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Prayer Request

2009-04-22T11:05:00.002-05:00

Michael's mom, Eileen, had a TIA this morning. (Like a small stroke). She is fine now, all the symptoms have resolved and we are now sitting in the clinic as she is having tests done. After she has a cardiac echo today, she will return to Potter Ridge (her apartment/assisted living). She will be on Lovenox (blood thinner injections) for five days. we will be tag teaming the shots among family members and she will also need to go back on Coumadin.
Please pray that she has no further TIA's or a real stroke. Also that whatever is the cause will be resolved without incident or deficit.
Thank you!

What the Experts Don't Tell You

2009-04-21T22:53:00.003-05:00

It's 11pm, Josh is still WIDE awake. It seems like he's just getting into his stride, too. Let's see... he's helped me brush my teeth, wash my face, wash the counter, sink and floor. Then he talked about going potty, but really just wanted to dump very expensive mineral powder foundation all over his potty chair. Obviously he had too long of a nap and is not tired, so I thought I would just read in bed and let him play next to me while he winds down... I look up to him very quietly applying foot cream in globs (to his feet, at least). He and Daddy just left to go play some music. The banjo usually puts him to sleep. What's really funny about this is that just one hour ago, Iwas thinking, "Wouldn't a baby be nice?" There is no better birth control than a two year old! Did I really say that out loud? Well, yes. Now you know our secret. Opposite ends of the house.

God in Grapefruit

2009-04-20T19:26:00.002-05:00

I was just finishing supper this evening and having some peeled grapefruit for a healthy dessert when I started thinking that everything in nature must point to the Creator. I was staring at my grapefruit and looking at its design. Think of how much juice is held in one grapefruit. Then peel off the outer layer. Beneath there are sections. Peel the sections apart, then peel off their outer covering. Inside are "little bags of juice", for lack of the scientific names right now. That amazes me. Grapefruit juice is triple-wrapped for freshness and protection. How could this possibly happen by chance and billions of years? We have a Creator who delights in giving us good things! Isn't He simply amazing?

Psalm 19:1-4

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

night after night they display knowledge.

There is no speech or language

where their voice is not heard.

Their voice goes out into all the earth,

Their words to the ends of the world.

Welcome to the Garden Party

2009-04-19T15:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday as we were working in the yard and cleaning the barn, I had this small revelation about parenting. I say small, because it is yet unfolding. I was thinking about how spring is such hard work. The barn gets very wet as the snow melts on the hillside, so the chicken room is an awful, mucky mess. We can't clean it out until the snow is all gone and the frost is out of the ground or it just seems to get wetter. The spring thaw also reveals what the wind has blown into our yard. Garbage, sticks, toys left out, sleds that got lost in the snow. There is so much work to do and it seems like such little time to get it done before summer is here.

This is the first year that we could do spring yard/barn work with the kids and they could actually get real work done. Matthew is getting taller, stronger, and more responsible. With demonstration, instruction, and healthy doses of encouragement, he cleaned the chicken coop mostly by himself. He is now strong enough to pitch manure and unload almost like a man. Prior to this year, he would work alongside us, but when we were not with him, he would quickly wander from his task. We would get angry, rebuke, set him back at it. Not bad parenting, really. They do need to learn to work, but now I can see that he just wasn't ready for real work. Not just physically, but mentally as well.

Hannah also has matured tremendously. She is naturally attracted to young children. She has said that when she grows up, she wants to work with children. She already does. There are many chores that she cannot accomplish due to her age, size, and lack of experience. However, she is a natural with little ones. She plays games with John and Josh (our dynamic duo), sings to them, takes them for walks, feeds them snacks, and reads to them. This allows Michael and I to do the things that the younger ones can't.

I'm beginning to see family in much more depth as our kids grow older, yet we still have little ones. There are so many analogies in the Bible to gardens and appropriately so. We both love them and hate them. They are a lot of work, but in the end, there is fruit. We love the fruit part, but hate the toil, pain, struggle, and sorrow in obtaining it.

I look back at our 19+ years of "gardening" together and I get teary-eyed. When we first planted our garden (marriage), we had no idea what we wanted to grow. We just knew we wanted to garden together. We loved each other, we were attracted to one another, and being together brought mutual feelings of pleasure. We had no idea what the other wanted, liked, believed, or that the other might have a completely different idea of what our garden would look like.

I, obviously, had more wisdom in gardening, having come from a large family. Also, my extended family was all very close, so there was more collective gardening experience at my disposal. Therefore, Michael deferred to my "better" judgement most, if not all of the time. I wanted everything right away. I wanted to plant a huge garden with every kind of fruit and thought nothing of who would take care of it. As a result, I chased after a lot of dreams that were my own and not God's. I got us into a boat-load of debt, and heaped the burden of weeding this garden on the shoulders of my husband, who rather than being my partner and having authority over me, became the groundskeeper of my massive estate. I wanted a house, so we bought a house. I got sick of my job, so I quit. I wanted to go back to school, so I did. I wanted to quit school, so I did. I wanted a child, so we did foster care (Iwas unable to have children the first 7 yrs of our marriage) then adopted, then the adoption fell apart. This remains the greatest heartache of my life. I wanted to move to the country, we did. I wanted a big house, we built it. I wanted a new car, we bought it. I wanted a new anything, I got it. Self, self, self. Yuck.

It was God's divine timing that we did not have children right away. I was way too immature at the time. However, I didn't start to mature until the children came into our lives.

When I became pregnant with Matthew, we were completely surprised. We had tried for years to have a baby, including fertility drugs, with no success. Then out of the blue...morning sickness. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I had an ultrasound, then a phone call. There was no baby, no heatbeat. I was told that it was a blighted ovum and should schedule a D&C if I did not miscarry soon. I remember crying out to God the same sort of prayer as the Shunnamite woman in 2 Kings 4:8-37. "Why would you give me this pregnancy and then take this baby from me? Is this a cruel joke? Why? I don't understand! I had given up hope of a baby of my own!"

After a couple days of sorrow, fighting God over my situation, I surrendered it to Him. "I trust you. I don't understand, but I choose to love you anyway."

I remembered feeling very vulnerable, but for the first time in my faith, when the pressure was on, I turned to Him instead of away from Him. I asked if I could have another ultrasound just hoping what they saw would be different. I remembered laying there on the cart looking at the wall, completely surrendered to whatever the outcome was. Michael sat on the floor with his head in his hands when I heard the radiologist say, "here's the heartbeat..." I said, "What did you say?" He repeated himself and I couldn't believe it! I think I passed my first test. When we were picking out baby names, we knew that if it was a boy, his name would be Matthew, which means, "gift from God".

I remember our first night at home with Matthew. I held him in our bedroom looking him in the eyes and this intense emotion washed over me. It was one of unfolding of a great, eternal mystery before my eyes. I sobbed as I thought to myself, "I get it. I get it. THIS is what is ALL about. Life, giving of our lives into this one. Then thinking of all the lives that have been passed into each one of us, and where it all came from. God, the everlasting father of all creation who designed and knit this little life in my arms. I thought I understood so much in that moment, but I didn't. It was just our first, teeny harvest of two apples on weak, baby tree.

Matthew grew to a toddler and then the weeding begins. Discpline, teaching, reading, loving, enjoying, changing life to accomodate this new one. Seeing him watch me and copy me. Recognizing errors in my life and many of my flaws. Thinking how much I want him to be different than me, knowing I need to be real. Realizing I can't be fake, I need for God to change me because it never lasts apart from him.

Then Hannah came. Now I have a daughter. A beautiful girl with dimples and huge blue eyes. She never complained, rarely cried and was always content. I realized how malcontent I was. Always wanting what I didn't have. Here was this little girl that no matter where she was or what she had, or didn't have, she was happy. "Be content in all circumstances..." is the scripture written on this girl's heart from birth. Through raising Hannah, God showed me how envious and greedy I had become. Another weed I couldn't remove from my heart no matter how hard I tried. I needed Jesus to change me.

When Hannah was three, we had everything we wanted. Our careers were taking off. I was thinking of grad school, she was potty trained, we were planning our dream house in the country, and wondering if we were done having kids. According to the world we were on the "right track". We were having difficulty selling our house in town due to zoning and were told it was not sellable. Basically it's value was $0. Then I found out I was pregnant. When I told Michael, he cried. It couldn't have happened at a worse time in our eyes. We now owned two properties, but couldn't afford to keep that up and a baby on the way. Can you see God in this? He loves it when the odds are stacked against His people as He will be victorious in every situation we submit to Him.

I started praying. I called the prayer chain about our house situation, Michael became an expert in zoning and we fought hard with the help of lots of friends to get the zoning changed. All the while, my Dad would say, "I don't know what you are so worried about. God's got it under control. It's going to be fine." I had no idea that those would be the last words He spoke to me. May 13th, 2003, he died suddenly. I was 12 weeks pregnant with John. We broke ground on faith that our house would sell in July. In August, Michael's father died suddenly as well. The sources of wisdom were taken from our lives. We had no idea what we were doing and were in over our heads with the house, the baby, our jobs, and dealing with intense grief. I turned to God the Father and repented of not trusting Him. I sought the help of my earthly father first, then the counsel of other Chirstians. I had never sought my heavenly Father for wisdom or direction, only help. "Rescue me!" Again and again...

God's grace was on me that year. He held me through that pregnancy and I gave birth to John on December 1st 2003. It was a 40 minute labor that was without pain. I was overcome with his grace that night. I wondered if that was what Mary's labor was like. Peaceful, tranquil, knowing that what I was going through was God's will. Surrendered. I remembered thinking that Mary "stored up all these things and pondered them in her heart". I had a taste of that the night John was born. I could not explain what I felt to anyone who would understand. It was a moment between God and I.

Having John that December was God's perfect timing. Everyone was grieving that Christmas, but here was this new life, John Thomas, named after those we lost that year. He brought joy to not only Michael and I, but the whole extended family and neighborhood that Christmas. He was the perfect gift. The child we thought was coming at the worst time came at the perfect time. I confessed again of not trusting Him and thanked Him for the wonderful gift of life.

After John was born, God began turning my heart toward my husband. Praying for him, learning to submit to him. Loving him, but mostly respecting him. I began learning to be a wife, not just a co-parent, sharer of the household duties. REading the Bible, seeking God for wisdom, learning about Him through the word. Humbling myself before Him, recognizing sin in my life and confessing it. Desiring more of Him than me. Wanting to be close to Him no matter how good my life is. You see, for me, the challenge of faith is being close to Him in times of prosperity. I prayed that He would increase my faith that I wouldn't swing back and forth on the pendulum anymore.

He is doing that in me. I love it!

Our fourth child, Joshua Caleb, was born in a time of blessing. We had been homeschooling for two years ( I don't know if that's relevant, just a different path we were on), our whole family was excited for this new life. He was born at home (I never thought I would do that either!) and was so content. Our family has grown closer to each other and the Lord. We would pray together as a family and worship on our own time, not just at church. Our kids would pray for us and each other. My favorite baby picture of Joshua is one with Hannah and John's hands on his back, praying for him. Fruit! I love it!

You see, when we started gardening together, we had no plan. Our lives were random and subject to whatever storm came our way. We spent very little time weeding, and didn't research gardening much. We just kept throwing handfuls of seeds in the ground, hoping for a good crop, spending time weeding and cultivating when we had to, or the mood struck us. Yet, we kept at it. Eventually, we figured out a better way of gardening. Research gardening, through reading the Word of the master gardener. Weed the garden through repentance of our own sin and disciplining our children for theirs. Cultivate and fertilize through obedience. Model a life of faith to our children so they can have more fruitful gardens than ours.

I struggled recently with reflecting on my past failures as a Christian, wife, and mother and wondered how I could give anyone advice on marriage and mothering. I told this to my friend Penny, whose response was exactly what I needed to hear, "Wisdom gained through failure is still wisdom! You changed because of it! That is of great value to the Lord!" Wow. My failures have value. God uses it all, He wastes nothing.

Lord, I pray that my life would bring glory to you. I have not always sought you first, but I am seeking you now. I offer you it all, the good and the bad to be used for your kingdom. You have been so good to me, especially when I was walking away from you. You have gently led me back on the path and pointed me in the direction I must go. I pray, Lord that I would never forget the darkest times in my life apart from you, the depths you have lifted me from. You have given me a messy, noisy house full of children. I thank you Lord, that you have given me a husband who loves me and placed children in my arms. I have not deserved any of it. Your love and kindness overwhelm me. Thank you, Lord.

Let Us Not Give Up Meeting Together

2009-02-10T11:33:00.002-06:00

Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another and all the more as you see the day approaching. Hebrews 10:25

The kids had to memorize this verse a couple weeks ago for church and for some reason it keeps running through my head. As I was laying in bed this moring I was thinking about it and how it has deeper meaning. At first, it tells us why we need to attend church and be in a body of believers. This is very true. We need to go to church, be involved, and call each other onward. We need to be that iron sharpening iron. I'm thinking, though, that in the New Testament time, the church was the family. Those that accepted Christ, were rejected by society and often their families. To give up meeting together would have been to be either really isolated, or back-slidden (I'm not sure if that's really a word). Things are a little different now. We intersect with lots of other people. We have our church family, our real families, our co-workers, other friends in the community, and long, lost friends. We build relationships in all the different roles we hold in life AND we have a responsibility to be salt and light in all those areas. We don't get to just be good and spiritual when we are with our church family. Tempting as that can sometimes be, we just are not allowed to do that if we are really who we say we are.

The hidden gem in this verse is that as we see the Day approaching, life is going to get hard. Times are going to get tough, and then tougher. How did the early church survive persecution, torment, torture, starvation, hiding in caves or holes in the ground, and sometimes martyrdom? By not giving up meeting together. By lifting each other up in prayer. By feeding and clothing each other. Carrying each others' burdens. Now, we are nowhere near suffering what those early believers suffered. However, I think we all know several people who are suffering. Who do you know who has recently lost a loved one? A job? Part of their income? Their home? Been rejected by someone in thier family? Their health? Their car? Their phone? Major appliances? Who do you know that is sad or depressed? Feeling alone? Struggling with the past? Worried about the future?

Do not give up meeting with them. Do not give up meeting their need. Pray for them, pray with them if they are okay with that. Give what you can and never tell anyone. I am always very aware of how in an instant, I could lose it all. Everything I have and everything I am is because of the Lord. If I have one regret, it is that I made financial decisions that make it difficult to help others. The wise ones are those who live modestly, well within their means, and freely give to others. If you are one of those people, I want to sit at your feet and learn from your life! But He is so good. He forgives and still gives opportunities to be a blessing to others. We all have the same 24 hours. Visit your friends, family, those you know who are alone or going through a tough time. Be an encourager. Speak of God's promises at every opportunity. Give to others what has been given to you...it's not always money!

Wearing Day Cream at Night

2009-02-01T20:11:00.002-06:00

I really don't do well on the night shift. I count down the days until I have to pull this marathon of 12 hour night shifts and dread it. It takes a toll on my body and mind. Not to mention my housework and family. I am up all night again tonight, feeling a little like the Maytag repairman, just waiting to get paged. I brought food, snacks, and some projects to work on, but come 3 am, I am virtaully worthless. Tick, tick tick... that's how the last four hours go, unless there is crisis. Then my shaky adrenalin rush kicks in and I am able to rise to the level of mediocre performance and get the job done. Okay, I am exaggerating a bit. When a crisis happens, I do snap to it and function pretty well. I don't want to scare anyone! In fact, I prefer it be busy. That way I don't have time to sit and get sleepy. If it's not busy, we eat...and be silly. Both activities I really enjoy.

Writer's Block or Facebook Ate My Brain

2009-01-27T22:21:00.003-06:00

I have been missing my blog lately and feeling a bit of guilt over it, too. However, I'm having a hard time writing. It seems I can only write random sentences, witty, but having nothing to do with each other. Kinda like Sesame Street of the Brain. I'm sure that is a bona fide disorder. If Wii disorders can be acknowleged as medical problems, then so can this. Maybe it's just ADD/ADHD? ARRRGH!

Anyway, I am sure with time and sleep it will come back...I hope. Pray for me!

What to Do Next Year for Christmas (Note to Self Part Two)

2008-12-27T10:35:00.003-06:00

Next Christmas will be different. Why? Because I will read this entry and listen to my own advice. Hopefully... I want to do what really matters and reject what doesn't. I want to get it right, be a blessing, and not miss opportunities to strengthen relationships with my husband, kids, friends, family, neighbors, and those I have yet to meet. In an attempt to make that happen, this is my brainstorm list of what I'd like to do different, or what I have done that I need to do more. Ok, here goes!

1. Play games with the kids. Board games, card games, silly games.

2. Teach them to give gifts. Include them.

3. Sponsor a local family in need.

4. Sponsor a child or family in need from another country. Write letters to them. (i.e. Comapssion International, etc.)

5. Decorate the house more. We really do enjoy that. Put lights up outside, set up the village, put little Christmas-y things here and there throughout the house. It makes every room cozy and inviting. BTW, we have enough stuff, this does NOT mean buy more decorations, except maybe green garland and white lights for outside. Also, send a Christmas letter, and a picture. Be real.

6. If I don't listen to my own advice and DO bake cookies, give them all away before Christmas. I will not need them for the holidays. There really will be plenty. Let it go...

7. Visit friends and family.

8. Rather than buy gifts for our immediate family, take a vacation. We will not remember what we got a year later, but we remember vacations and so seldom get to take them.

9. Look for opportunities to bless others. Outreach rather than inreach!

10. Finally, remember the one we are celebrating. Spend more time, not less in worship, prayer, and the Word. Cultivate intimacy with Jesus over the holiday, He will definitely make it worth the time.

May God richly bless you with His presence this coming year. Merry Christmas!

What Not to Do Next Year for Christmas (Note to Self)

2008-12-27T10:09:00.004-06:00

Ok, I tend to overdo it. Those who really know me are not surprised by this. I did it again this Christmas... I spent too much, I baked too much, I worried too much, I ate too much. Next year will be different, right? Here's what I don't need to do anymore:

1. Feel like my gifts to others need to be their "wow" gift. Something little and thoughtful is enough. I don't need spend a lot.

2. Less is truly more with the kids. They don't need several gifts to be happy. One thing each is enough. Besides, Grandma makes up the difference :-)

3. I think that by the time we get to Christmas morning, they would actually prefer fruit and beef jerky in their stockings rather than loads more candy. Remember all the pie and cookies at Grandma's the night before? Also, pies and cookies Christmas Day... Candy is NOT needed, or appreciated!

4. I don't need to bake Christmas cookies. Again, Grandma makes up for it.

5. I don't need to make lefse, unless I make it with a group of friends and it is a fun event. Otherwise, it is just more fat and sugar I feel compelled to eat.

6. Don't go shopping with only a list of names and no ideas. This is bad. :-(

7. Don't go shopping alone. I need a chaperone!

8. Don't buy wrapping paper. I have enough.

9. Don't assume I have bows, ribbon and tape. I don't.

10. Don't get so busy I forget to spend time with Jesus, my family and friends. They are the point of the whole holiday, right?

Cute Kid Story

2008-12-09T14:37:00.004-06:00

John just turned 5 on Dec 1st, but all of a sudden seems so grown up. First of all, let me tell you about his dream. Every night when I tuck him in, I pray that the Lord would reveal himself to him in his dreams. John has always said that he has never had a dream. Wednesday morning, I woke up to hear him laughing out loud in his bed. I asked him why he was laughing and he said, "I had a funny dream!"

"What was your dream John? What happened?" I asked.

"I dreamed I was climbing on a big rock and everytime I climbed up, the rock asked me, 'Do you love me?' "

"John! did you know that one of the names for Jesus is The Rock? I think that the rock in your dream was Jesus and he was asking you if you love him! That's really neat!" I exclaimed.

"No-o-o!" John said while laughing, "It was the Robots video game!"

Arrrgh! I HATE video games!

Then, later that same day we were on our way home from the dentist, following the snow plow. It was spreading sand and salt on our road. Hannah asked what he was doing and I told her that the sand helps you not to slip and the salt melts the snow and ice. When we got home and were getting out of the van, I noticed John crying in the backseat. I asked him why he was crying and he replied, "The snow! I can't go sledding anymore!"

He thought that the snow plow's sand and salt would make ALL of the snow go away! Too cute. He was very relieved when he learned the truth.

Adventures in Sewing

2008-10-29T15:02:00.003-05:00

It's weird how sometimes you get a crazy idea to do some project and then you find out that two, or maybe even three of your close friends or family had the same idea. No? this never happens to you? Well, it happened this week and it's just strange. I'm sure it means something deep and profound, but I can't quite figure it out. I don't believe in coincidence... only providence.

I decided that I wanted to sew. Now, you have to know that my sewing skills are rather limited and I tend to be the sloppy, just git-er-done type of worker. So I have learned to enter into sewing projects with caution. My end product will NOT look like the one on the front of the pattern. I have to be okay with that. Anyway, I decided that I would make matching mother-daughter aprons for Hannah and I. I went to the store, got the pattern, material, and supplies. I dug out my sewing machine, set it up, and even washed and IRONED the fabric. I started to lay out the pattern and had to call my mom for help. She said it was very strange that she had just decided that she need to teach Laura (my youngest sister) how to sew. Just that week she bought a pattern and material for her and was just thinking about starting on it when I called. (Twilight Zone music in background).

Mom came over and stuck with me through the whole first apron. We had a wonderful time talking and having tea while we girls worked on the project. It was very nice to have a quiet evening at home to visit. The next day as I was finishing the second apron, I called her for some phone advice and my Grandma Jule was at her house for coffee. Mom had told her about my sewing project and she remarked that my aunt Rosie had called her that very same week to tell her that she had decided that she wanted to sew aprons. She bought the material and a pattern and wanted to come to Minnesota to learn how to sew (Twilight Zone music gets louder).

I have know idea what will come of this, if anything. It was just so remarkable, I had to share.

I have so far completed 3 aprons and am really enjoying learning how to use my machine and visiting with my sewing gurus seeking their wisdom. We'll see if my skills improve.

Life is Too Short to Spend it Busy

2008-10-05T02:38:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling a little out of control lately with family obligations, family emergencies, work, homeschooling, keeping things sort of managed at home, etc. Please keep me in your prayers to get through the month of October and that the rest of the winter will be uneventful. I am looking forward to cold winter days when the hibernation begins.

Retro Mama

2008-09-03T11:50:00.003-05:00

I am sad to report that my dishwasher did not survive the zucchini bread making marathon. You can't rinse zucchini shreds out of all the dishes used and I guess it was just to much for the old gal and she choked. After the eighth time of washing, drying, then putting away the dishes, I decided I'm really not enjoying this retro-mama experience. Even with my retro apron on, I cannot smile.

Dewey, the appliance repair man who now is on a first name basis with all of us here (this is the Year of the Appliance), came with his appliance ambulance, loaded her up and took her to his hospital. His parting words were, "I don't think I'll have it done this week, but next week for sure!"

That sounded rather vague, don't you think?

The thing that aggravates me most is nothing makes my kids and husband feel like fixing a snack like an empty sink. Every time I turn around it's half-full of dishes! ARRRGH!! I need to create a menu that does not involve dishes. Like trail mix and water...

Where I Would Rather Be

2008-08-29T02:38:00.005-05:00

Where has this summer gone? Maybe it's just me, but it seems like it has been three months of chaos and I really never got any down-time. We booked a week at Fenske Lake for some Boundary Waters canoeing and then we cancelled after getting hit by the tornado in July. Now I am really regretting it. This picture is what I am longing for. Quiet lakes, loons with their babies, the gentle splashing of the paddle, no errands, no garden weeding, no beans that need to be canned, no work calling and asking me to come in on my day off, no fighting, tattling, or hitting. The lawn doesn't need mowing, the projects are all done, the kids are all clean, smiling, and quiet. Michael has no work to do, the checkbook is balanced and in the black, dinner is made and everyone likes it, everyone is healthy, the laundry is done, the dishes are done, the floors are clean, and I can really, truly let my mind relax. Please don't wake me!!

I think that I grossly underestimated the importance of summer vacation and now that fall is upon us and we are back to school at our house I find that I am not ready for summer to be over. I WANT MY VACATION!!

Michael and I do have a date tonight...hopefully that will help.

No Doubt About It... I'm a Farm Girl!

2008-08-10T02:29:00.002-05:00

I have to warn you... this post may be gruesome. Men won't want to read it at all. Alright, you've been warned.

It all started July 5th when we got a call from the local FFA director asking us if we would take the three little pigs from the kiddie barnyard at the Cannon Falls Fair. We didn't want them, but we took them. (that's another story...) Anyway, it turns out that one of the pigs we didn't want was an intact boar, meaning he needed to be castrated in order for the meat to be any good. Usually this is done when the pigs are 2 days old as they are smaller and MUCH easier to handle. After the events yesterday, we agree that this IS the best way to do it.

After the discoverery of "the twins", we began to discuss our dilemma with various farm gurus we thought might be willing to help us out and perform the "procedure". As time went on, we realized we might just be on our own here so we best study up. Michael did research on how to best de-masculinate the poor guy and I shopped for supplies. At least my 3 yrs in the operating room proved of some value! We decided Saturday was "D-day" and we got up early expecting a long morning of hog wrestling. I called all the neighbors to warn them of the almost assured blood curdling screams they might hear and that no one was being murdered on our property (though Matthew argues a bullet to the head would be preferable in his book). We left the kiddos safe in the house watching the Olympics and set out for hog wrestling.

Michael used a garbage can to corner and catch him. Head first in the garbage can then tipped upside-down. Next grab the back legs and tie up to a beam on the ceiling of the barn. We left him with front feet touching the ground, but still in the garbage can so he couldn't kick around so much. I got my soap and scrub bucket, donned my gloves and prepped our patient. Next, a betadine paint to the surgical site and then the pig pooped. Several times. Ok, so I cleaned and prepped as best I could, got my scalpel, prepared to make the incision, and froze. "You do it." I said to Michael. "No." was all he said and I knew I was it. Yikes! I've never done anything like this before! I began thinking about the blood, what if I could find them, what if I really hurt the poor piggy, and maybe it would be easier and more humane to just shoot the pig and be done with it.

After much deliberation about the best technique according to Michael's research, I made the first cut. Not as easy as I thought. I had to go through three layers and chase them around a bit before I finally got the first one out. It worked, one out, one to go. As I was rejoicing, Michael had to go lay down in the grass for a while.

"Hey! Come back and help me!" I yelled. He did come back and hold one leg that slipped out of the rope and I made the second incision. He left again. I waited, got the next one out easily, then did a final scrub with betadine and let Mr. Bacon free. There was virtually no blood. I was amazed! We checked on him several time throughout the day and he seemed tired, but fine. He does seem absolutely docile when I'm around him, though! As though he is saying, "I submit!"

I never want to do this again, but we felt pretty proud that we were able to perform our own vet procedure with success and feel we have earned our "farmer" badges.

I am sure we will laugh about this years later...

Facebook and Old Friends

2008-06-28T11:49:00.002-05:00

A couple months ago I got started on this Facebook thing, which to be honest, I don't fully understand. However, it's been a good thing! I have found lots of people I hardly ever see, like cousins, etc and now recently my friend, Bonnie, from high school. I don't think I have seen Bonnie for ten years and she was in my wedding! Just lost touch. She found me just the other day on Facebook and in emailing, it has been so fun reconnecting and learning what's been going on in her life and how good God is. His blessings are beyond measure. Thank you , Lord! One thing I have learned in my walk with Him is that our relationships are no accident. They serve a purpose and we rarely see the big picture of His plan. I look forward to seeing more of what He's got. Bonnie, if you're reading this, it's good to have you back. I've missed you!

Whom Shall I Fear?

2008-06-11T11:45:00.002-05:00

Over the past year, I've been thinking about doing a study on fear. My plan was to go through all the scriptures that speak of fear and really learn what God has to say about not only fears that weigh us down and keep us from being who God intends us to be, but also what it says about how we are to fear Him, in humble reverence.
One thing that struck me last week while spending time in prayer, was that the ONLY thing we should fear is God: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. If it is true that Jesus conquered Satan and his power and that there is nothing the world or may can do to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:28-29), then we CANNOT fear anything but the one who has overcome all. There is where the REAL power is. I want to be under that power, not coming up against it! To me, fighting against God is a terrifying place to be. You can't win, you can have your independence, He won't force anyone. AND He is kind, gentle, loving, patient, faithful...I could go on forever!
Anyway, I set out on this journey just today and I got about two verses in and was in awe. Let me share...

Deuteronomy 6:13 Fear the Lord your God, serve HIm only and take your oaths in His name.

The only thing we should fear is God Himself. Who we fear reflects who we serve. Whether it's someone or something. Who we fear influences our choices, beliefs and actions. THink about something you are afraid of... How do those fears, no matter how silly, influence your thoughts first, then your actions? I know they do for me and its something I want to overcome! When we fear something or someone other than God, we have walked away from His presence and pledged our allegience elsewhere. I think that might be a bit offensive to Him! Almost like a betrayal that we do unknowingly and usually innocently. We fail to grasp exactly WHO He is, so we doubt His strength to overcome our fears and His desire to do so. We doubt He really means what He says. Ouch.
Next passage:

Deuteronomy 10:12-18 And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?

He only asks that we stay close to Him. Know Him. Abide in Him. Obey Him. Love Him with all our hearts, leave no room to love any other gods. We need to be sold out, passionately in love with Him. Consumed with our relationship with Jesus. If we are, who we fear will be Him. It will be a natural effect of that kind of devotion to our God and King.

Vs 14 To the Lord your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and EVERYTHING in it.

This verse emphasizes exactly who this God is that we worship. Don't lose sight of the fact that He IS all-powerful. All things that can be named are under His feet. He created the universe (which in itself is beyond our comprehension) and the earth. He created them not from tangible materials, but from the spoken word. Who is like our God? Be in awe of His majesty and power! And guess what! He never changes, He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He can still do miracles, and wants to.

Vs 15 Yet the Lord set His affection on your forefathers and loved them, and He chose you, their descendants, above all nations, as it is today.

He set His affection on YOU. He chose YOU. And me! Pause and let that sink in...

Vs 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer.

The change must be from the inside out, beginning with the heart that is consecrated to the Lord. We can't fake it, we can't just do the rituals, speak the right lingo, and hang out with the right crowd and fool the Lord. Our circumcision is not on the outside for others to see, but in our hearts, only seen by the God who sees all things and from whom nothing can be hidden. Now, when our hearts are truly devoted to the Lord, others will see a change in us, but we don't start by changing our behavior. We start by surrendering our hearts, yeilding to Him.

Vs. 17 For the Lord your God is the God of gods and the Lord of lords, the Great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes.

Anyone who is in power and authority still comes under Him, even if they choose not to acknowledge Him as Lord and God. It doesn't change His kingdom and dominion. He cannot be manipulated. He does not care if you are rich, poor, beautiful, or plain. He is not influenced by appearances or flattery. You cannot fool Him. and we all try it at some point... It just doesn't work.

Vs 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and LOVES the alien giving him food and clothing.

I included this verse because I like how it finishes the discussion of who God is in power and majesty, worthy of our fear and devotion, with a picture of His compassion and attention to those who are suffering. He LOVES the outsiders, the misfits, the ones who belong to no one and have no home. He LOVES them, CARES for them, and PROVIDES for them. His love is not only strong, but is gentle. How fortunate we are to have a God that is not only unmatchable in His power and strength, but also unmatchable in His mercy, grace, love, faithfulness, forgiveness and COMPASSION. No other god or king has ever been, or ever will be like OUR God.
Worship Him, love Him, and FEAR HIM ONLY!!

Indiana Jones in My Very Own House

2008-06-05T17:27:00.003-05:00

John has been on an Indiana Jones kick for months now. The theme music is constantly being hummed by him, and we have grown used to it. Like its the theme music in our home. He has found many unique bullwhips: yarn, shoelaces, belts (dangerous), and my personal favorite... rhubarb. He spontaneously quotes lines from the first, third and fourth movies (we skipped the second-too scary!). Usually we have no idea what he's talking about. He also has found creative substitutes for grapevines: the swings with one side disconnected, the cord for the blinds (NOT allowed), and most creative award goes to those things hanging from the sides of my body, commonly called "arms".
We call him "Indy", for short.
Gotta love it.

It's 3 am and I'm awake...

2008-05-06T03:22:00.004-05:00

Working the night shift has never been something I have enjoyed. However, there really are people out there who prefer and admit to ENJOYING nights. I cannot understand it. Don't they feel the painful tiredness, the dry, sore eyes, the being so tired you feel almost drunk? Help me understand the late-nighter! I feel like crying for my bed by 4:30am...
In case you haven't guessed already, it is 3am-ish and I am staying up all night minding the hospital. It is a real challenge to stay awake when our census is low like it is now. We have almost as many nurses as patients here tonight which leaves me with very little to do. It seems like it has been feast or famine here for the past month breaking records one way or another!
One thing I did accomplish tonight that has nothing to do with work, was I finished a book I've been reading. I read The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. My mother has been telling me about it all my life and I finally gave in and read it. She's right, it was good. I was glad for a quiet evening so I could get done what I needed to and finish it. Corrie wrote about her time in Nazi prisons and a concentration camp during WWII. She also saved the lives of many Jews during the occupation of Holland through her simple faith in God. Amazing story, very encouraging! For those of you who have read it, I would love to start a discussion. For those of you who haven't, get it!

National Day of Prayer

2008-05-01T09:37:00.004-05:00

Today is the National Day of Prayer and I want to remind y'all to find your local prayer gathering, get down 'n dirty, and PRAY! Pray for our schools, families, local leadership, state government, and national government. It's the most effective method I've found in my life to truly make a difference. What is standing out in my mind this year is a need to approach God and ask for forgiveness and mercy. He IS a forgiving, merciful, and loving God. He loves this nation, he loves the world, but more importantly, he loves individuals and wants them to know him intimately. When we as a nation reject Him and drive him out, we cannot expect the same level of protection we have experienced as a nation in our past. In our past, our nation was founded on, depended on, and abided in Him. That has changed. Lord, forgive us for rejecting you. I pray that we as a nation will draw near to you once again and you will draw near to us. Thank you that you ARE slow to anger, merciful, and abounding in love. Raise up those who will not be afraid to speak your truth. Equip your people to do your will and that we will humble ourselves before you and pray with great faith in who you are. In Jesus name, Amen.

Oh, My Aching Back!

2008-04-30T10:41:00.006-05:00

Do you ever have those days when it seems like there is no limit to what you can accomplish? However, the next day it hurts to get out of bed and all you can muster up the energy to do is sit on the computer and check your email? I'm having one of those days. Yesterday I got up early, we got our schoolwork done by 9:30-10am, cleaned the basement, cleaned 2 bathrooms, cleaned out the hamster's cage, got 2/3 of the laundry done, delivered something to a friend and visited for a while, got home had another couple friends over, made supper, cleaned up supper, moved chicks to the barn, cleaned out the butcher chickens' cages, put in fresh bedding, fixed their waterers so they won't leak, fed them, cleared dead weeds out of the garden, attempted to help Matthew set gopher traps (I'm no trapper, he made that clear) made popcorn for Hannah, Joshua, and I, talked with Michael for a few minutes, then CRASHED!
Now that I have written this all out, I feel justified for hurting and being VERY tired. I slogged around this morning feeling guilty for not doing anything, but I think I'm over that. I originally was going to write and ask for encouragement to get out in my garden and plant my lettuce and peas (April told me hers were planted last week, so I'm feeling a little pressure to try to keep up!)
I'm thinking I'm going to lie on the couch with a hot pack, and a snuggly blanket...
I'm taking the day off.

We Cry, "Abba, Father!"

2008-04-27T22:01:00.004-05:00

Recently, I have been praying that God would reveal Himself to me in a new way. That I might see a facet of His character that I hadn't known before. It is so like Him to meet me exactly where I am at, to show me that he is there, too, right beside me. It has been a very trying week for me with the kids. The weather has been horrible and depressing. The kids have been unusually antagonistic, whiny, and crying more than usual. Chaos seems to have taken over my home and we all have counted the minutes for Daddy to come home. A fresh face to bring some renewal and order to our day. One day this week, when I was really feeling frustrated and short-tempered, Joshua spontaneously ran to me with open arms, stretched up high. My crankiness melted away in an instant and I did what any parent would do and scooped him up into my arms and held him, hugged him and kissed him, until he was ready to get down and go back to his adventures. My thoughts keep cycling back to that instant. I didn't know why, just that I knew it was one of those moments I wanted to store up in my heart. God showed me something about that today that I want to to share, or at least get written so I don't forget it.

My struggle lately has been to feel connected to God in the middle of the craziness in my day. I have let other peripheral things take priority over Him and my attitude has suffered. I start to feel out of touch, my faith dwindles, I begin to doubt God, and lose sight of His truth, promises, and who He really is. I start to believe all kinds of silly lies that normally I wouldn't allow 2 seconds of my thought time! "Hello? Can you hear me? Do my prayers matter? Do you REALLY love me?" That's been the general undercurrent in my heart. Anyone else been there? All the while, I know it's not true in my head, but I was believing a lie in my heart. I needed God to reveal it to my heart so I could both know it in my head and believe in my heart what His love for me is like. What I began to realize is that as a parent, I love my children more than they love me. They are immature, but as they grow older, the love becomes more mutual. With babies, we are overwhelmed with love for them. One little known tribal group's word for that kind of love means "to place (the child) inside one's heart" I like that description! So there is an imbalance in the love relationship and the parent can't wait to see the child begin to realize his love for the parent. Think of what a big deal we make out of those first words, first hugs and kisses. The love is beginning to be returned to us and how it makes us love them even more! So...when we cry out to God to know Him, as a parent, would He hide Himself from us? No! If your child cried out to you, would you run away? If we turn to Him and begin to show love for Him, is that the point at which He begins to love us? NO! He loved us before creation. He sent His Son as a sacrifice for our sin on the CHANCE that we would look to Him and love Him back. His love is more than I can comprehend. I cannot control it or manipulate it by how much time I spend with Him, how I worship Him, or if I have been obedient in all things or not. His love never changes -easy to know, difficult to understand.

What He showed me was that even though I have drifted off course lately, when I lift my hands to Him in worship, approaching Him with praise and adoration, no matter how feeble my attempts are, its just like when Joshua came running to me with arms stretched up high. God the Father rushes to me when I turn to Him. He has been waiting since creation for those moments. I felt love for Joshua in that moment, but is nothing compared to the love of the one who IS love. John 3:17 says God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. How often to I feel I do not measure up, for how can I? He knew that. That's what Jesus did for us. So often I fall into the fear trap. Fear of uncertain future, fear of what others think, fear of failure, fear of rejection, and more. I forget or never really understood the concept of God as a truly loving Father, deeply aware of my life from beginning to end. Hey! That means he is acutely aware of more details than I am! I don't need to worry about the details. He knows them. I just need to trust Him with my whole life, everything.

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry "Abba, Father" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. Romans 8:15-17

How wonderful and comforting it is to know that he understands love. I know that sounds corny, but as I understand love more and realize that of course God knows that aspect of love I am learning, just WAY better, it increases my faith and trust in Him. My prayer then becomes something simple like,"Ok, so you know what I was feeling toward Josh that day because you feel that when I turn to you? Wow, Lord. You really do love me!"

I love Jesus prayer for us (yep, you and me!) in John ch 17. The whole thing is good, but the last few verses speak of this love:

Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them. (vs. 25-26)

This brings me back full circle to my original prayer...

Heavenly Father,

I want to know you more. Continue to reveal to me who you are. I want to know how deep, how wide and how high is the Father's love for me. May I be rooted and grounded in your love, that I would never grow weary of seeking after you. I need more faith and to be strengthened by your Spirit. I love you, Lord. Thank you for sending Jesus as the perfect sacrifice. Open my eyes to your truth.

In Jesus name, Amen.

This is a REAL Family Picture!

2008-04-26T21:50:00.003-05:00

No one is looking the same direction, Kris is threatening John through a smile and clenched teeth. Matthew's expression is, well, priceless. Hannah loves getting her picture taken and all the attention, so she is no problem, a little vain, but smiling and being cooperative. We'll deal with vanity later. Josh is mushing a cracker, but seems content. Leave him alone, he's not crying! Michael is wondering why we need this photo anyway. He thought we were leaving an hour ago.
Ok, everyone! Smile-or something...

The Boys

2008-04-26T21:43:00.001-05:00

Can't you just see these 3 boys covered in dirt and sticky marshmallows next July at the family reunion? From left to right this is Joshua, Ethan, and Jacob. Look out!

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

2008-04-25T14:36:00.003-05:00

I gotta admit, I am truly affected by the weather. I feel a little like Eyeore today. I just want to snuggle up under a warm blanket with a hot steaming cup of coffee and a good book. The last thing I want to do today my normal daily routines. Just can't get myself going! Anyone else out there feel like that today? A nap would be even better than coffee and a book... if only I could find a quiet comfy place to hide (or a locked, soundproof room).

Hop on! There's Room for Everyone!

2008-04-24T16:29:00.002-05:00

I know, this isn't a current picture, but it is a fairly accurate portrayal of how I attempt to carve out some horsebackriding time with 4 kids. I know what you're thinking, "That poor horse!" Yeah, I think the same thing, but they seem VERY happy to get out of the muddy, boring pasture and hit the trail, massive load or not. It is true that they would much rather organize a jail-break and just run free, but the nieghbors and farmers REALLY don't appreciate "born free" method of horse raising (Though horses everywhere stand firmly behind it).
Anyway, my point of writing this that I got to go for a ride two nights ago with our retired neighbor, Duane, and my 4 yr. old, John. (Duane rode separately, I might add!) When we got back, Michael hopped on the horse Duane was riding and John got off, the kids handed Joshua (14 mos.) up to me and we rode off into the sunset, baby bobble-head in front of me, just like in this picture. IT's funny how much of life I can handle if I just get a little ride once in a while. It's all I need to keep from going insane and I am grateful my knees haven't completely given out (though they are a little sore and "crackly" when I get off), I can still get on, and I don't need my kids to help me yet.
Mount up! We're burnin' daylight!

Stealing Minutes

2008-04-24T11:58:00.002-05:00

Ok, shhh... I'm hiding in the basement typing as fast as I can (which my record is 30wpm, so don't expect great things). Two kids are doing science projects in the kitchen and the mess was starting to make me crabby so I had to step out for a few minutes. One kid is sleeping, and the other- John The Mad Hitter- needs to stay by my side today if he wants to avoid any more disciplinary action. Being out of my site has been hazardous to his behind. I think he sometimes gets to his breaking point with everyone acting as his parent, but giving out bloody lips is not an ok way to deal with frustration, right? That's the Big Life Lesson of the day. When Mommy leaves the room, you can't start doling out justice as you see fit. Oh, and you aren't Indiana Jones either, and we don't allow bullwhips in the house...
How did I get here??

Sally Stripe

2008-04-02T09:40:00.003-05:00

John has a new friend, her name is Sally Stripe. She is just starting to get her feathers, she is light golden colored with a black stripe on her head. It's so cute! Every morning after breakfast, he has to go out to the garage to hold his friend, Sally. Yes, she is a chicken and I really hope she survives because this is the first animal he has shown interest in. He is holding her well, without dropping her or squishing her and I don't even feel like I need to be there, hovering for the chick's safety. My little boy is growing up... Sniff, sniff...

The State of our Mitten Basket

2008-04-01T03:41:00.003-05:00

Ok. Enough is enough. Winter is over! You hear me??? I am done with you! I hereby declare it to be SPRING!! I have turned the calendar to April, I have ordered, received and cared for such spring-like things as baby chicks and garden seeds. I have put away all space heater devices and I think next I'm going to dig out my shorts and sandals.
Winter has completely depleted our supply of left mittens. There isn't a left mitten in our house! My mittens have been missing since January and I have refused to buy more because spring will be here any day now... The problem is, it keeps snowing and being cold. the kids keep wanting to go outside and play in complete snow gear, but we have the mitten problem. would you all check your vehicles and junk accumulation stations for our mittens? Please send them our way!

Happy Birthday to Michael!

2008-04-01T03:17:00.002-05:00

Michael is 39 today. Wish him a happy birthday at bitflippings@gmail.com
I'm hoping after I sleep a few hours I will get a second wind and manage to whip together a cake, a card, and a gift! I work well under pressure...
Happy birthday, Honey! I hope you have a good day and they don't forget the donuts for you at work!

2008-04-01T00:21:00.001-05:00

The Crazy Life

2008-03-31T20:31:00.004-05:00

I think I need to change the title to my blog. I think the Crazy Life is much more appropriate. I am soooooo sorry for dropping off the radar, but I have been taken out for the past 3+ weeks.
Let me tell you my story...
Ok, so you know about Michael being gone, then the classes I had to go to, you know I work from time to time, so I have to fit that in, then there's the kids, spouse, house, laundry, social events, oh, yeah, then there's Joshua breaking his leg!!! I've heard about other peoples' kids breaking bones, but never my own. Yep, he got a broken leg. My precious little 13 month old child... damaged and fractured. We all felt so bad, but not nearly as bad as he did. Michael was getting him dressed on the changing table, not knowing I abandoned use of the changing table long ago becaue he will NOT hold still!! He was about to put his shirt over his head when Joshua rolled towards Daddy and right off the changing table landing feet first on the floor. I guess children that age are not meant to JUMP off things. He sustained (that's nurse talk) a buckle fracture of his left tibia. He did not need a cast, but we were told no weight-bearing for 1-2 weeks. All right, anyone have toddlers out there? Have you ever tried to confine them? Needless to say, it was frustrating for all of us. I did purchase an umbrella stroller to use in the house as his "wheelchair", then we all just took turns carrying him. The first few days went fairly well as he did not want to stand on it because it hurt, but then he started to compensate in questionable ways, like walking on his tip-toes (I tried it and it does take the wieght off the tibia- very clever), he also started walking on his knees (this I eventually allowed because it was so darn cute). we did get through one week of no weight bearing, then I figured when the doctor said one to two weeks he really meant one, so we turned him loose. At his follow up visit, the bone was healed on x-ray, so he officially got the "all clear". Whew.
After the fractured baby adventure, I got influenza from my mother. Thanks Mom. Read her latest posting on her blog (see link to the side) for more details on that lovely gift. Let me just say that I was VERY sick for a full two weeks. Michael had to take a week off just to take care of me. I didn't even ask him to, he just looked at me (pathetic and still in bed) Monday morning before leaving for work and said, "I can't leave you like this, I think I need to stay home." So any of you have work-aholic husbands like me? I think you can see how sick I really was! After that Monday, he didn't get back to work until the following week. Seriously, for two days I felt that this is what it must be like to die. Looking back, I feel like it was the grace of God that I lived through it. I am so happy to be well!!
So that brings us to this week. I have been truly healthy for 3 days. Now my blog is updated, my laundry is done, my seeds are started, my chicks have been moved to the garage, we got our standardized testing done for Matthew and Hannah (for homeschooling), I made a nice supper, and I'm back to work. I feel like I've accomplished a few things and am guilt-free!
I've missed you all and look forward to catching up with you.

WARNING! Graphic Content

2008-03-01T09:25:00.003-06:00

Yes, I have been falling down on the job. I haven't posted in days and days. Sorry, a big case of life happening here. It's been a rough week, topped off with me having to spend two days at St. Mary's Hospital recertifying for TNCC (trauma nursing core). I feel like I've just spent two days on Hamburger Hill. One nice touch they added to the course this time around is LOTS of graphic pictures of trauma patients. A little bit of that is ok and educational, but 8 hours of lecture with graphic overheads of stabbings (I've seen more kitchen knifes sticking out of men's chests and backs than I ever thought possible. Advice- don't complain about dinner!), suicide attempts and successes, car accidents, PTO twisted, mangled, and removed limbs, child abuse, domestic violence, burns from kids chewing on cords, and other crispy critters, a missing chest wall from a boat propeller, and a mangled leg from an auger of some sort. These are just the ones that are replaying in my mind right now, there were lots more. Oh, I almost forgot the countless gunshot wounds. Those were especially yummy right before lunch.
I'm sorry for the graphic nature, but I believe in sharing what I have. Anyway, it was two very long days of lecture and images I could not escape from, ended by skills stations (the easy, fun part) and a VERY difficult written test that took me by surprise. I have taken this course before, but in light of the increase in natural disasters and terrorism on the rise and all other forms of violence on the rise, it has been revamped. I failed the test!! I almost cried and threw up simultaneously! (I did get to retake it and did fine the second time around). I was not prepared for all the questions on treatment for biological, chemical, and nuclear attacks. Disaster Management is HUGE. I live in my nice, quiet world, quite happily. My eyes were opened to the fact that I better get up to speed with the real world and know how to deal with the increase of natural and man-made disasters that are on the rise. This stuff is not going to go away, it's the reality of nursing in the 21st century. Much as I'd like to hope for a day off when the disaster drill is happening, I think it's time to get my head out of the sand and know what to do. This is one area of my professional development I've REALLY let slide and that was very obvious. So... much as I hate knowing about all the horrible things that can and do happen, I hereby vow to learn what to do and actually start attending some mandatory meetings. The supervisor better know what's going on, right?
I have been thinking about this prior to recertifying TNCC this week. I agreed to go to training next week to be a crisis intervention instructor in Mpls. Tues.-Friday. You would be so proud of me! I hate conflict and I hate stepping into a scary situation mostly because I don't know what to do and I don't want to get hurt. So I thought this would be very good for me. It's been years since I've done anything but the absolute minimum required to keep my job, thinking I would be quitting and being a stay-at-home mom. That's not happening and I'm now ok with that. But I do have this job, and I owe it to my employer to be effective at it, not just putting in my shifts. I came to the conclusion that I need to start stepping up to the plate and being a good nurse again. I need to start looking at the areas where I am weak personally and professionally and doing something about it. There, you're the first to hear it. I'm facing my fears and stretching myself. Ugh.
I'll let you know how it goes...

Joshua's Birthday

2008-02-19T10:49:00.003-06:00

Joshua is officially a toddler now. Today is his birthday! It's funny how when they turn a year older, they all of a sudden act older. Today he pointed at his sister and said"Na-na" (Hannah), very matter-of-factly. Then, John said "hi" to him and he responded with "hi-non"! Has he been talking like this for a while and I haven't noticed or has he just matured overnight? I'm going to bake him a cake (allergy free due to his myriad of food allergies) and let him dive in tonight. That should be fun, I love watching that, even though I KNOW the sugar buzz (or honey buzz, as the case may be) is sure to follow, but it's still worth it.
I know this is very cliche, but it seems like just yesterday...

Single Parenting Stinks...Period.

2008-02-17T22:09:00.003-06:00

Be thinking of us this week as Michael will be gone to San Diego. I tried to whine my way out of it, but it didn't work. I tried pouting, glaring, then the "I don't like you anymore" tactics, but none of them were successful. I will be alone for four days with four kids. That sounds like a reality TV program. Yikes! Anyone got suggestions for how to keep my house from total disaster or how to keep from being the "evil mommy" (I know you've all met her)?
I don't do single parenting well. I complain a lot, whine a little, and try to stay busy and distracted. I wish I had planned something fun in advance with the kids, but it kind of snuck up on me.
Sooo... Here I am, on the eve of single-parentdom, with nothing planned. Maybe we could reorganize his tools? Rearrange the office? I know!! Go through his clothes and cull out underwear and socks! I'm open to suggestions...

Sing to Him a New Song!

2008-02-16T10:00:00.005-06:00

Michael, Matthew and Hannah are gone for most of the day at a JBQ meet. That leaves me alone with the two little boys. It's kind of nice to be able to spend time alone with them. They often don't get much focussed attention when we are homeschooling. They get directed to their toys, a snack, a (gasp!) movie... right now John is next to me, playing with his ear, sucking on his finger, and rubbing his face on my arm. Getting his mommy time. Earlier, he and Joshua endured my "guitar playing", if you could call it that. I entertained them with classics like "The Wheels on the Bus", "Baby Beluga", and "Chicken Lips and Lizard Hips" (my personal favorite).
Last night I struggled through and sang badly "How Great is Our God". It was a proud moment for me! I wish I would have inherited the music talent, but I didn't. However, I did inherit the love of music and the desire to sing and worship. How frustrating it is for me to have the song in my heart and not be able to sing it. Those of you who can sing and sound good, or play an instrument effortlessly, I applaud you. Sing to the Lord a new song. Worship the King with your voices, bring to Him an offering of praise with your harps, lyres, or kazoos. I will be singing along, trying to follow your lead. I will strum softly, so only the Lord can hear.
My only desire is to bring Him an offering of praise. To be in His presence, to know the Creator and King on a deeper and more intimate level. I want to teach my children, above all else, a love and fear of the Lord. I want our home to be an atmosphere of prayer and worship, where Jesus is revered and honored and glorified. Just so you know, the music ain't pretty, and the sound is sometimes painful. However, it is from my heart.

Virtual Coffee, Anyone?

2008-02-14T21:56:00.003-06:00

I had no idea when I started this last weekend, out of sheer boredom, that it would have been so fun! This is great. Most of you I hardly ever see, let alone have time to chat with. I count myself very fortunate to have such wonderful friends. BTW, I like Starbucks, black, no garbage added, just pure, unadulterated caffeine.

Spring is Here!

2008-02-13T16:04:00.003-06:00

I try every year to have a good garden, thinking I will do all this canning and freezing that will reduce our grocery bill to near zero. I convince my husband that if we plant all these seeds (6 varieties of tomatoes, 4 varieties of peppers, 1/2 an acre of green beans...) that we will be virtually self-sufficient. My garden could quite possibly take care of all our financial needs! Then with the extra, we could do Farmer's Market (ha, ha, ha). Yes I will have time to weed it! Plus the kids are getting older and they are actually capable of some real help now, so you (Michael) won't even notice the two acres of tomatoes and fifty rows of green beans. (I forget that I really don't even like canned OR frozen beans).
When the seeds arrive our basement is filled with grow lights and tray after tray of seeds in their cute little pods. Then they sprout and grow and need to be repotted. Then we run out of space, we run out of lights, and from the outside it looks like I'm growing marijuana in the basement. I never seem to remember that 100 tomato plants is slightly more than we need. I figure there will be some lost to disease, drought, or pests. Not so... they NEVER die. In fact, I believe some tomato plants enjoy a good flogging (Right, April?)
True to self, this year is no exception. I just got home from a day spent with a group of wonderfully garden-wise ladies, including April, my garden guru. (you are such an inspiration to me, April, but you do tend to fuel my mission-creep!) I think this year will be our biggest garden yet. (I hope you're reading this, Michael, so you have a chance to cool down before you come home!) I have LOTS of zucchini, dill (it looks like about 500 seeds of dill- Who did that to me??)collards, brussels sprouts, celery (April says, yes I CAN grow it), 1/2 lb of green bean seeds, purple beans, yellow beans, sugar snap peas, snow peas, orange peppers, acorn squash, spinach, brandywine tomatoes, scallions, rainbow carrots, regular carrots (note: my carrots are STILL in the garden from last summer!) parsley, leeks, two kinds of cucumbers, more kinds of lettuce than I care to list (I think there is at least 5 varieties in this bag), eggplant (I have NO idea why, it sounded good in January), two kinds of green peppers, Bok Choy, Rutabagas (for Mark Pelzer, his from last summer are hanging out with the carrots) more tomatoes, Watermelon (I haven't a clue where to plant it. Maybe at YOUR house!) cherry tomatoes, tomatillos, cabbage, Roma tomatoes, pumpkins, buttercup squash, cilantro, basil, lipstick peppers, jalepenos, black crim tomatoes, and radishes. Now... the flowers! I have Lemon balm (I think that's an herb, not a flower), Calendula, Sunflowers, Euphorbia (does anyone know what this is? I said I would take it because it sounded good. You know, like euphoria? I like that state of mind, so hopefully these little plants will bring me joy). Zinnias, Love-lies-bleeding, and LOTS of morning glories (they do make me happy).
I admit it. I have a problem.
I get the seed catalogs in January and I somehow forget how blasted hot it is in August and how unbelievably fast and adaptable those weeds are. I also forget the passive-aggressive, not very subtle, non-verbal fights Michael and I have while weeding into the night in complete silence. I know the only reason he is doing it is to salvage at least a portion of his investment. It is NOT because he enjoys gardening. It is likely also because he loves me and wants to see my visions succeed. I forget that I HATE the feeling of dirt drying on my hands (does anyone else suffer from this phenomenon?). I forget that I plant eight rows of peas, eat a few while weeding, maybe fix a couple stir-fries, then the rest dry up on the vine (again, I love them fresh, not frozen).
I think what I love is dreaming.
I love to plan and think about what we could do if... I love the idea of having row after row of well manicured plants. I love the idea of doing it all ourselves. I can't say I love actually DOING it. This is where the fear begins to set in...
Honey... our garden is here... We will have plenty... the kids will help... it will be (gulp) worth it...
I love you Michael. You're my finisher.
Anyone need tomatoes?

Joshua is Walking!

2008-02-12T14:43:00.000-06:00

Joshua walked all the way across the living room floor all by himself. He would stop every few steps and clap for himself. Yay! He gets a huge round of applause from all of us, which usually makes him fall down from excitement, but not today! He did the real thing. What a big boy.
His birthday is in one week, then he is officially a toddler... Look out and lock those cabinets!

Mondays are for Character Building

2008-02-11T13:20:00.000-06:00

Here is a typical Monday at our house...
I oversleep because I'm tired from working 3 12hr shifts. The kids are refreshed after a relaxing weekend with Daddy (and have slept in already the past two mornings) and get up early. They are able to feed themselves breakfast, but sometimes (like this morning) there are LOTS of Cheerios on the living room carpet. I wake up to Michael saying goodbye, which is two hours later than I like to get up. I spend the rest of the day scrambling to catch up with my troops. I have to make lots of important decisions (executive decisions) like: Read my Bible and pray now or in the afternoon when I have that quiet time that never really happens? Shower now or walk around grungy (sp?) and itchy 'til noon? Start schoolwork now, on time and forget my morning routine, or do my morning routine and start school late (which inevitably leads to slice and dice of assignments, so I guess that's out...)? Start supper, or plan for a frozen pizza or pb&j night? Okay, now how 'bout that laundry?
I used to have unrealistic expectations for Mondays. I thought I could get up on time, have an amazing mountain-top experience with the Lord, be showered, hair done, make-up on, Michael's lunch made, coffee brewed, breakfast made, the first load of laundry in, and supper in the crock pot before 7am. I surrender. I can't do it. I've found it IS best for all of us if I sleep in a bit on Monday, the laundry gets started, but maybe not finished 'til Wednesday, and baby Joshua gets a little more "mommy-time". Michael reheats yesterday's coffee and puts together his own lunch (he NEVER expects me to do these things for him and always seems joyful and surprised when I do). We do our school work with fits and starts as we all are trying to get back on track. Amazingly, we do manage to get things done before Daddy gets home and there is a lot less blood shed.
I think my family likes me a lot more when I freak out less. That's my goal: to be a freakless mommy.
Ok, now, off to violin lessons, swimming lessons at the YMCA, home for a slam-it-down-your-gullet supper, then off to a 4H sledding party.
I am calm.
I am in control.
I have no idea what my kids are doing right now...

Will you still love me if I blog?

2008-02-10T21:30:00.000-06:00

I was so excited about actually getting this blog started, I had to call home right away. "Honey! Honey! I made a blog!!!" He, being the big computer programmer and all, I figured he would be down right proud. He was, at least over the phone. Now that my long weekend of 12 hour shifts is over and the kids need tucking in, laundry is piling up (to the point of being measured as altitude), I'm thinking his enthusiasm may be short-lived. This could be addictive... must pace myself...I'm sure I can handle it. I'll just get up extra early and start the laundry then. Michael can eat my lunch left-overs from today for his lunch Monday, etc.
I suppose I should call it a day, he's graciously attempting to do our taxes with his palm pilot.
I love that man!!

The Journey to Contentment

2008-02-10T10:27:00.000-06:00

Would anyone like a "do-over"? I think my biggest regret of my life is how much time I wasted being dissatisfied. As I look back at our marriage, my career, my role as a mom, and my faith, this is what has derailed me over and over. Almost 5 years ago, after the sudden death of my dad at age 57, I woke up. Nothing like losing someone you love to help you re-evaluate your goals and direction! I realized that the bottom line was that my career would never be remembered by my children. How clean my house was would never be remembered by my friends (or the neighbors!). What I wore, what I drove, and how much money I had was completely meaningless. They are things that pass away.
My transformation was not instant. We Americans expect things instantly and easily. We are a remote control, microwave people who expect God to behave that way. It took me years to learn He doesn't. He is faithful, though. I look back on myself as someone who always wanted more. Once I got what I wanted, I wasn't happy with that, I was on to something else. I'm thankful my husband is generally content and demands very little or we wouldn't have lasted 6 months! Ironically his contentedness drove me crazy... now I appreciate it as a gift.
So, 5 years ago I had 2 children enrolled in the local school. I was working hard on my career, we were planning a beautiful new home, our dream house. We were living the dual career typical American lifestyle. Then God began to lead us gently down a different path...or perhaps I just started to listen to that still, small voice.